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I’m so tired and my heart hurts

I am a loving person.  I try my best to support others but at times it just gets so much.  Its the third or fourth Tuesday of trying to sort through my dead Mum’s possessions with my sister who she left the flat to and she recently came out a hospital for anxiety and depression and has not a clue what to do with anything or even how she is going to move into Mum’s which I totally understand so I have had to take the initiative.  Partly I wonder if should she be moving in there at all.  We had a long chat today after lots of tears and hugs and she told me she feels her life is so empty she doesn’t see much reason for it.  Even though her son and his family are moving back here in a month she says at times he runs roughshod over her and I know what happened when he had her committed about 6 years ago by tricking her.

My sister has struggled to have her true feelings recognised and accepted for so long and my heart just aches for her.  She said today she honestly doesn’t know what she would do with out me.  And I thought of the dream I had years ago where it was just she and on the beach at Mollymook where Dad built our holiday house 7 years before he died and in the dream as we were walking along a whale beached itself right in front of us and we both cried and my sister looked at me with those luminous eyes of hers and said “the whales are such sad creatures”, the dream was so deeply poignant and made me think of the collective unconscious of ours but today I feel like the whale is drowning me. She is clinging to me for support and I am finding it so much to deal with and other things are being neglected, I only got home a little while ago and have been crying ever since.

I put a call through to my therapist because I felt so overwhelmed but sometimes writing helps so that is what I am doing today.  Today I am feeling so very overwhelmed and pulled on.

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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14 thoughts on “I’m so tired and my heart hurts”

  1. These are difficult times for all and as much as it is good to be there for your sister, as she adjusts, I do hope there is not total reliance on you. You need self care too. Xxx

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      1. Sometimes boundaries to set can be really difficult. But glad to hear you do. I hope your sister has other support, should she need. X

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      3. I’d agree with Liz too. Definitely a difficult situation, but you need to do what others so often do with putting themselves first, and think of what’s right for you and what boundaries you think are suitable.xxxx

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  2. You definitely do deserve to care for yourself. Boundaries are so hard though. It’s something I find myself working on in therapy just now, too. But I keep trying to remind myself the boundaries are as much for the other person as they are for me. If we don’t set boundaries, we don’t give the other person the proper chance to find out what they’re made of, what they are really capable of accomplishing on their own. It’s especially hard if we think we see them drowning. But sometimes that’s exactly what they need in order to learn how to swim.

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    1. I love your comment KD thanks so much for this, Yesterday I was thinking of something I read about how a task on a journey of awakening for a soul was not saving the drowning person, and its so true. My sister pulls on others and then doesn’t get to believe in her own strength but at the same time she was obliterated by others, so none of it is her fault. She needs inner help the help she gets is all about managing the symptoms not about the deeper inner journey, This is my conundrum as I see her drowning due to the choices she had made or rather has had made for her by others empowering themselves on her suffering. Its fucking hard and my heart breaks for her at times but I am not Jesus and I cannot heal her only be a light. Hugs to you KD

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      1. And you absolutely are a light for her, as I know you are a light for many of us here, too. And the beautiful thing about it is that you don’t even have to do anything special to be a light, just be yourself.

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  3. I am so so sorry about your mom’s passing and the continued wearing on you of having to clean and organize and then be this rock for everyone else. Your mind and body can only withstand so much. When I read this and I picture your sister I imagine you just gently putting your arm out and your hand up. I don’t know why but it just popped into my head.

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    1. Thanks Bethany. I think she knows after yesterday its all a bit much for me. I set one boundary in that I said Id only help her one day a week not two. All you write is so true and its not just her I am helping but this guy overseas who wants to meet me and that put even more of a strain on my yesterday. Have you struggled with this issue too? I imagine so as you are a giver too and its so hard isn’t it. Thanks so much for that image of yours it makes sense to me. ((–))

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