A long time ago : stream of consciousness

A long time ago I learned to deny my feelings To say I was fine When things were not To say I could soldier on alone When it was all I ever knew But when I think of that fragile young woman Who boarded a plane Just a month after her father died at 23 And was so lost The only place she could find comfort Was in the bottom of a bottle of Scotch And one night stands Well my heart breaks open for her anew

Lovers came And even those who promised to stay But how could they with stand The defences and the rage Of a person Who as yet Had never learned to know The depths of a soul  That yearned and ached and a carried an ancestral wound so deep

So now its with some kind of relief that the witness self in me can see All that seemed to be lost to perpetuity For now I have grown to encompass this pain After travelling long roads and witnessing so much rain That fell as tears from burning eyes Oh how many many years I cried Not really knowing what it was That ached and hurt so bad But now I do

And so When this one in me that aches and cries about how hard it is and how she fears her heart will break or her body finally forsake her I open my arms my ears and my eyes To surround her with all the love and compassion I feel inside

And I know that as long as I am here That inner part of me will always be A journeyer Who through her travels has navigated the very depths of me And travelled even deeper In an ancestral sea floating with ancestors who struggled and lost to bring to birth this person who now counts the cost and gift of everything Awaiting the coming of her lover from across the seas Her second chance at a conscious life

“The wings of transformation are born of patience and struggle.”

Janet S. Dickens