Over flow

Today I ran the bath

And then just forgot

I got my breakfast

As I pottered and tidied

Contemplated the ongoing dilemma

Of giving my heart

To someone

Who swears

Undying love

But I can not yet meet

No matter how hard I try and struggle to believe

That I am good

To believe I am not just a mixed up waste of space

When I get distracted like this

And have injuries or make mistakes

I went towards the bathroom

And it was inches under water

The water flooding onto the bedroom carpet

I am so tired of this

Cleaning up the messes I make

And yet

Isn’t it a metaphor for how I sometimes fail

In getting distracted by thoughts

Leaving my emotional self uncontained?

Or is it just

Yet another sign Of PTSD dissociation/disorientation

All I know is This

With the anniversary of my accident only weeks

Away And Mars and Mercury both soon to move forward from retrograde

At times it feels like I will explode or flood the world

With all that I have kept inside

Managing my symptoms is a Herculean task

So how will I ever find time to love

How can I ever be

Truly emotionally available for someone else?

(Wasn’t that why the other’s left?)

And so then the tears just fall

And I have some work to do with my Inner child and broken self

I have words of love I need to speak today

To the part of me that struggled so much

In a world where I was so unnoticed and uncontained

And had to deal with so much trauma

Its just criminal the way the inner critic beats me up

And so today I had to hold her hand

This vulnerable part of me that struggles to be and to breathe

To tell her how worthy she is and how loved

And if now I seem to have connected with someone

Who tells me exactly the same

Why can’t I open my heart and my mind and my soul

To truly trust

That this real

And even if not

God or higher power has finally spoken

With words of love?