A wall of grief : reflections for today

I can’t seem to stop crying this afternoon.   Its been a hell of a morning because I reached out to someone for support last night and all I got was the message to be positive and for some reason when I am dealing with old grief or tough stuff this really triggers me and sets me into a rage.  The sheer true real fact is that some of our life and experiences are just SO GODDAM NEGATIVE AND SAD and to have to gloss over that with the demand that I be happy, well it just upsets me so much and heading towards the anniversary of my husband leaving on 4th August its challenging.   When I really hoped for some understanding and support.  I was let down.  Well people are human!

The person did apologise but this morning I could not face it to make the commitment to meet with my sister to start clearing out my Mum’s unit this morning.  I awoke feeling like I was back in the car smashed with a high voltage of charge running through my system that was going to propel me to Mars and then all my body trauma spinning started and went on for over 3 hours and of course ended in tears.  Then I felt the need to speak to my friend to say what I really had needed from them and how not getting it hurt and was he going to be yet another partner who demanded that I be ‘happy all the time’ when the reality is I can only be happy some of the time? (a lot of the time recently but not always) Which to me is a kind of forced Nazi joviality – here put on the mask and make sure you present a happy smiling face!!!   GRRRR

There is no way around it, sometimes my painful past just haunts me as well as the knowledge of those who died after suffering such trauma, I have lived the dark night and I may call my blog emerging from the dark night but as we all know who are spiritually conscious and mature we never have on earth an unending day or even days of sunshine, sometimes there are storms, night comes every dusk and we have to endure it.  Our past experiences shape us and the best we can hope is not to be totally destroyed or become hopeless and bitter.  And many even find within that dark night a rich place of fertile food and soil for creative imagining and art.  Some of us work with the compost and shit we find in the dark to fashion gold and jewels out of it.

The fact is I am not a person who can just skip happily along the surface of life full of unconditional joy and positivity.  And as the renowned oncologist Gabor Mate remind us in his book on the immune system disease and emotion, a cult of positivity when tough painful things have gone down is downright bad for our health, because our body carried the legacy of our soul betrayed or hurt or exiled as it can be by some many things that happen to us.  We need to acknowledge and release them so we don’t become sick or get too trapped by an unconscious past and being told we need to be positive can circumvent this process.

I do realise though that I don’t want to be forever magnetised by the dark things that have happened in the past, especially now I have met someone who is offering me the possibility of a happier life where I can lean on someone and find support, its just that I know a part of me is not used to that.  I worry that if I lean for support I will be subsumed by another’s power or energy or will and I cannot be pulled into a totally ‘light’ life when I know there has been and is real suffering on this planet.

I was discussing it with my therapist Kat yesterday and she was agreeing that as an empath I have a hard time knowing where my own and others emotions begin and end, so sometimes relationships do bring up a lot of fear, I don’t know when it is that I will be left carrying stuff for others and then have things or feelings projected on me because a lot of people don’t have the courage or depth to face their shadow or dark side.  They may see such things as a sign of illness or dis-ease where as I believe need both dark and light to be whole and complex people and develop character and soul.

But at the same time as I write this I do wonder at times at the power the dark view and vision can have over me at times.   Who knows maybe the lunar eclipse has stirred all of this up in me so I get to have a good look at it.  Today its been hard to eat because as the Moon wanes maybe my body is trying to clear out and empty a lot of past negativity, pain and tough stuff on my Mars Saturn Moon,  I can only use my intuition to try and gain a grasp of what is happening.   At times its hard to hold the polarity of opposites within us and then we can get drawn into conflict with others who hold an opposing view, the part of me that fears conflict would rather at all times people showed empathy our just agreed to disagree rather than force their views or will on other people and circumstance.  But I also know in the real world that is a pipe dream, something we can hope for or dream of but also know may likely not happen with everyone.