Hollow

I just feel hollow at the moment and so emptied out.  It just seems any action I take lately is wrong and I was reading that during Mars retrograde energy would begin to be withdrawn from desires we had at the beginning of the period.  Its only a few weeks in and we are stuck in this territory for another month and a half and it seems any thing I say now or any communication goes awry and the more I try to fix things the more broken they stay.  Apart from this enormous feelings of frustration and powerlessness and abilty to affect any change are besetting me.  Its useless to fight or try harder at this point, all I feel like doing is surrender but when I say that to someone they see it as an abadonment and betrayal or lack of couarge.  Well I know one thing I have no power over is how others feel or react and sometimes its hard enough to nip my own ineffective or angry powerless reactions in the bud.   A part of myself observes the smaller ego self about to drop a bomb and then thinks “the hell with it, I will just drop this” but the consequence is bad.

Anyway today I just reminded myself to remember that I’m so far from perfectiion its unbelievable.  All I really want to do is stay cosy safe and warm inside, I think I’ve been feeling very tired for a long time now, ever since all the stress prior to my Mum’s death in December and there is grief there, I notice that is so deep and just bubbles up like a well at times almost blindsiding me.  Today I had a streaming of past abandonments and leavings run through my consciousness and I was weeping so much my entire body was crying.   I know its brave even to be feeling this.  At least I am not distracting myself or pretending I’m really okay.  Reaching out for and opening up to love again has left me so open and raw and vulnerable and now he hates for my fear and mistrust and the promise to stand by has been let go, its okay I dont ever trust promises anymore, life is just too unsure and I have been let down far too many times, why cant others see this?  Well why should they, they dont live inside my skin or my head, it is just so hard when a previously connected relationship hits the wall and there is so much misunderstanding on both sides.   But maybe that is life.  Maybe we are always wanting to find mirrors but in the end that may be a bit too much of a selfish or infantile hope that comes out out past neglect wounds or injuries and just ends up pissing others and ourselves off and driving us further and further away from each other.