Undone

Yesterday’s solar eclipse bought me nearly completely undone.  I knew it would be a doozy but these things that rise up and become enormous conflicts from our inner child and unconscious can never be fully prepared for.   I was not aware how deeply my abandonment wound would be triggered.  I had thought the bank approved the money to help my friend to get out of the dangerous place he was in.  On Monday I got confirmation it went through. Then yesterday his bank told us that the money was put on hold at the United States end pending verification which never happened.  He wanted me to go to the bank to follow it up but something in me just froze and I fought tooth and nail and said so many things I now regret but not all of them were bad or wrong but they ended up hurting him and who knows even if he is real but I believe he is.  I just felt so tired with it all and as though I was being forced to do something in a world I am not comfortable in and it brought up other conflicts around differing ideas of how far one should be prepared to go for love and whether it is not just all too difficult to long for love when our inner child may still have so many scars and fears.

Anyway everyhing just rapidly devolved yesterday the more we communicated and I was left in the most hollowed out wilderness again, my entire body was convulsing and burning as he accued me of things such as my fear and doubt blocking everything which really hurt me and got me in a most vulnerable place and then later on of jeopardising his ‘mission’.   That last one hurt so bad as I would never consciously put someone in danger and I have tried so hard over the past 6 weeks to help and I have had to be silent about a lot of it due to opsec and persec.   I have been soothed and calmed by words of love and then accused of not loving if I still have doubts and struggle to trust fully.   How can I fully trust someone I have not met yet?  Surely a sane emotionally mature person would respect that but not use it as a big stick to hit me over the head with.

All I can say is that this morning my therapist explained how I get triggered back into a traumatised child state at times like this, I fear I am being abandoned and so I feel annihilated.  I cant find solid ground so I do anything and every thing I can to stay connected so I wont lose love even take on all of the blame which is what parents often do to kids anyway.

I also realised yesterday that whenever Mum and Dad had conflict Mum would threaten to leave Dad.  I remember how terrified I was at those times.  So now when there is conflict I threaten to leave, maybe believing I will have no power if I stay.  I also realised how deeply vulnerable opening up to love really makes us when we have any level of relational trauma which so naturally leads us to become codependent : the fear of abandonment is always alive there deep below the surface and when we are triggered we are no longer in an adult state.  But what I also realised is that if I abandon myself by taking on blame that is not really fair (but comes out of another`s upset anger or wounds – Pluto issues and this eclipse opposes Pluto exactly) then I end up worse off.  I havent truly supported my inner child and held her through her fears.

There is a very young part of me that inside feels she needs to dance really hard to win love, but what is the use of that kind of love if in the end it means I abandon myself and step outside my own truth and healthy self protection?  This I now realise.  There is a love deficit wound there deep inside my soul but only my higher power and I can help to fill it at this stage, when others say they will only stay with me or that I only fully love them if I do x y or z then its not fair or true love or real love, is it?    And sometimes I threaten to leave in the midst of anger or fear of abandonment when the braver more adult thing would be to stay and stand firm and face my terror and fear but often it feels overwhelming to me.  Threatening to leave when the going gets tough is tempting but sometimes the stronger thing is to feel the fear and not allow it to manipulate me into sacrificing myself or abandoning myself again in a way I will later live to regret and open up to trust even when all my abandonment trauma and fears are screaming that I am in mortal danger.   But to be told someone is angry with you for being fearful, well that really really really hurts.