The issue of belonging is something I have been thinking about a lot ever since begininng to read Brene Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness : The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. For it seems to me I have always paid too high a price when I have tried to belong in places where I do not and with people its not possible to relate with. For most of my life I did feel very alone, I know the feelings began in a family where I didn’t feel that noticed or seen or even able to relate to much older parents and siblings. I did feel seen by my older sis but then she left which left a big vacancy for me. Sadly later in life she also tried to belong in a family that was more likely to notice you due to externals and achievement, rather than just give you love for being you. I see now after years of therapy the price she paid when she came back into the family and started to pursue values that led her to come unstuck. I see mirrors of her own struggle in mine.
One of my biggest regrets is that at the time I was finally starting to differentiate my own values and work to uncover buried emotions as well as a host of neglected needs I was pulled back to be with my family. Partly it was due to empathy as well as a knowledge of the abandonment wounds that at that time were playing out for my older sister and Mum and had deep multigenerational echoes. So in 2006 I sacrificed my own life and forward movement several times hoping to be of comfort and connected to the one’s whose love I had most longed for and as I look back I see there was nothing completely wrong with that impulse as I was able to do my inner work. Not all was lost but I did lose a lot in early years by having key developmental periods aborted.
I had to go on my own journey to find out who I really was as a separate person and individual soul but also as a product of an emotionally neglectful family. So mine, as I look back, has not been a masculine heroic one of outer achievement but more an inward feminine one which has teento my own soul and the soul of the collective that gave rise to me, the ocean of my becoming I guess, to find out who I am as a wave in that ocean, never entirely separate but never entirely individual either. So if you meet me and want to talk about your job, or your new car or your recent holiday you may just find my eyes glazing over but if you want to talk to me of your soul life you will see my eyes and sou light up from within. I know that now. Not that sometimes I wont also ask you about those things because part of my longs for any connection.
I wrote a post a long time ago along the lines of : the price of not belonging lies in belonging to me. Its very difficult for us to find happiness alone but we are more alone ultimately if we do not truly know who we are and what it is that we value, how we feel, how we best relate and how we find fulfillment. This is the conclusion Brene comes to in her book and I am only part way through. There were times as she began to explore her ideas about perfectionism, shame and vulnerability as well as whole heartedness that she met with forces that wanted her to change or airbrush or sacrifice aspects of her message. What she learned was that she needed to find the courage and heart to stand alone and defy expectations in order to be true to her message.
And so it is for us. But at the same time as being real and honest we also have to extend that respect to others. We cannot always expect that others will understand our deeper journey but we may hope that we not be shame for us. We cannot expect others to understand our pain or struggle but we need to be honest enough to own it and be real even if we met with judgement, criticism or shame and then realise the other person was not up to that level of vulnerability. We need to find the strength to be able also to tolerate the discomfort of saying difficult things, having those tough conversations, being honest about boundaries as well learning how to open our hearts to be vulnerable and extend our own boundaries into anothers world and vulnerabilities in order to understand and be real.
If we do not then the price of belonging becomes all to high and far too expensive a price for our souls to pay. I will leave the final words of this post to Brene’s powerful message
There are conversations that need to happen, this is discomfort that must fe felt. Still, as much as it’s time to confront these and other issues, we have to acknowledge that our lack of tolerance for vulnerable, tough conversations is driving our …. disconnection.
Can we find our way back to ourselves and to each other, and still keep fighting for what we believe in? No and yes. No, not everyone will be able to do both, simply because some people will continue to believe that fighting for what they needs means denying the humanity of others. (but) most of us can build connection across difference and fight for our beliefs if we’re willing to listen and lean in to vulnerability. Mercifully, it will take only a critical mass of people who believe in finding love and connection across difference to change everything. But if we’re not even willing to try, the value of what we are fighting for will be profoundly diminished.
True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.
Emerging From The Dark Night 