Closeness and distance

It’s a bit of a paradox but as a soft hearted person at times this shadow self in me rises up that is full of anger and hardness and just wants to cut away from what seems like disempowering weak and lovey dovey stuff.  When I have this kind of reaction its like I feel a huge steel knife falling down.  I want to chop everything away that bonds (or binds) me to anyone heart and soul and just fly away free to an airy place where I can breathe and have distance for a while.   I know its not a bad or wrong impulse though as I feel for wholeness in this life we need both, we need those soft moments of loving connection where we just melt into one another and become part of them losing our ‘self’ for a while (that is the Neptunian world in the world of archetypes and astrology) and then we need those moment of solitariness and freedom and aloneness where we can just be ourselves as a separate entitity for a while and feel what we feel as that separate soul or adult self, at least I do (and in the astrological archetypes this realm is governed by Saturn and Uranus.)

Now that I am in a kind of new relationship, albiet one where we cannot meet face to face yet but only message due to circumstances and distance I feel these two impulses in me rise and fall all the time.  There are times I long to speak and be connected and others where I need distance.  I had a situation too last weekend where I longed to be connected and he had no time and then I noticed how I deliberately provoked an argument and went on the attack.  He took it all in his stride and kindly and gently pointed out what I had done.   It came on the back of an intensely stressful week where I was pissed off about a lot of things so there was that anger in the background too.   It was a good lesson anyway in seeing how I can still move back into negative patterns at times and how my childhood wound of emotional neglect and lack of attunement can be triggered.  But I also know my reaction and response was not entirely negative as I was being pulled on and not feeling enough energy was being returned in reciprocity.

Last night we got really close again nd were sharing so much about our feelings and hopes and dreams. I really opened my heart and soul and when I woke this morning it was in a kind of shock… all these fears rose up and a negative voice started telling me I will be sucked in and lose my freedom if and when we ever do meet.  As an empath I have this struggle all the time when I get close to anyone.  I move my energy into theirs and then can start to take on things.  I can give energy too and feel sucked on at times as well as I am sure we all can.  In the end its a kind of balance or learning to live with the two impulses as they rise and fall or push and pull.

I guess this is the dance of relationship which we all bring our unique and individual styles too as well as past wounds.  All we can do is learn to develop an observer consciousness of it all, but also learn to surrender it at times too when the impulse to merge is right and oh so necessary for our soul.