On Defeat and persistence.

I am thinking of a quote today which I think comes from Martin Luther King.  “We will suffer many defeats but we must not be defeated.”  When I think of those forces for light and love in this world that have been struck down, most especially in the turbulent 1960s it kind of breaks my heart.  Forces of darkness destroyed so many kind people who had the courage to stand for their values, with a fierce and lion hearted determination but forces of power and hate took them down.

Its how I am feeling at the moment when I tried to help someone everyone would say is scamming me.  I am struggling hard to hold onto the truth I feel in my heart.   I could be wrong.  Last night my nephew called and I was in floods of tears.  I had been so strong and doing so well up to this latest drama/tussle.  I know my strength is still there inside.  I also know, having an insight into the astrology why all of this is occurring lately.   I won’t go into here in case it goes over the head of readers I don’t want to alienate.    I just have a sense that all of this is occuring for a reason and it could go one of two ways. The only person I opened up to about it fully is my therapist as she knows how much of a struggle I have had to connect in a real way with others coming out of such an emotionally repressive and neglectful environment as I did and she is backing me to find my own way through rather than waggling her finger at me like some others would do if they knew the full story.

I don’t know if others know how hard it is now to send money overseas.  I have encountered several robotic automaton like representatives who will not allow me to make my own choice and suffer my own financial loss if I choose to do it.   I can afford the money so I would rather help but at least 4 attempts have been blocked and most of the money has gone through now.  It’s just a small final amount.

Anyway I am okay.  I know I will be okay.  I know I am strong but today I have felt  defeated over the weekend.   I do have doubts.  I do know I deserve better than this but I am also just starting to read the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and I believe it is true, some things we have to fight for, they do not come easily.  We do suffer defeats but if the thing we are fighting for has value then we have to press on.  Torpedos be damned.

Anyway Jasper and I just went for a lovely refreshing walk down by the lake and I found myself crying as I got home.   My life has had so much loneliness in it.  Readers here only know a fraction of my struggles from a young age to connect.  I also know my anger at being or feeling abandoned does cause real problems in my relationships but at the same time I know trying to pretend I don’t have it at past betrayals won’t help anyone.  Someone who says they love me needs to accept it is there.  Sometimes I lash out but it’s always for a good reason and I am prepared to apologise when I have been triggered or feel in the wrong.  I am not perfect and nothing in this life is black and white so sometimes my explosions are valid at other times I know they scare people, it’s just in this current relationship understanding is being shown.  I know I am a good person I know I also have wounds.  I also know I have suffered many defeats in my life but something me always finds a way to stand up again. And even if death cr another betrayal comes to me it won’t be a final defeat as I know my soul will live on… I just hope that doesn’t happen to me after all my work and persistence.