The heart ache of lack of empathy and why we dont have to settle for it.

When your heart aches mine aches too.  This is part of being an empath and who knows if it is only just projection as I read yesterday that those who are most likely to develop deep empathy, psychic or intuitive abilities are those amongst us who have undergone childhood trauma.

However my feeling is that many of us actually arrived on this earth alive and awake on some level with an already heightened sensitivity or intelligence but perhaps without a functioning ego as yet.  Its a complex issue as in the book I am currently reading which I mentioned a few posts back Dodging Energy Vampires Christine Northrop quotes research that shows the incapacity to develop or feel empathy is related to certain atrophies in the brain, certain parts of the brain in psychopaths and narcissists are actually under developed or damaged in some way and that is why many of them will never heal and don’t even really ever want to heal and will always be incapable of showing empathy or sensitivity no matter how much we hope for them to do so.

I often wonder if it is always a great attribute to feel the suffering of others.  I find even when people do horrific things I still feel sad for them.  I know it has got me in trouble with people before who cannot see how I would side with what appears to be the ‘wrong doer’.  Does it have something to do with the fact that for many years I lived as an alcoholic on the so called ‘dark side’ acting out the family and collective shadow? Has it to with the fact I ‘forgave’ neglect and abuse when I should not have (letting go of the hurt is another thing?)

I am not totally sure of the answer but I do know there is a way of feeling compassion and empathy without being totally pulled into someone else’s world or drama and developing better boundaries and self care.  It is only something I have started to do lately with my sister as I shared in other posts a while back.  I still have a way to go with Christine Northrup’s book.  I am still working through the harshness shown to me and lack of sensitivity in family members and past romantic partners.

Meeting and connecting with someone new who is not like that is constantly surprising me.  To be shown empathy, to be told I am totally accepted and don’t need to change anything is a very new experience for me who, as a child, was led to believe there was something wrong with me or I was too this or that, or was just laughed at, told not to be so intense/sensitive/dramatic.  This was also my consistent experience in relationships. Oh or else I did not believe or trust others were being real either due to the fact I was not allowed to be.

It takes a lot of work for those of us not shown empathy and real love in childhood to learn about who is and is not ‘safe’ for us.  I admire the work of David Richo who has written several great books on the subject such as How To Be An Adult In Relationships.  His work focuses on the ability we need to develop and find in others to provide and be shown what he calls ‘the five ‘A’s of affection, attention, acceptance, allowing and appreciation. This is what a healthy relationship comprises.  A safe receptacle in which we can be all of ourselves but also keep boundaries if we are not being shown necessary care and love as well, learning we no longer need to over care or have loose boundaries which allow old types of neglect, trauma or invalidation.