Sometimes we have to take the risk to trust again. Sometimes the things in the present that echo an earlier loss are just asking us to face that again as well as all the feelings of overwhelm and deep feelings of powerlessness that can go with such a critical abandonment or loss. It is so very hard to lose something or someone to whom we were attached and this can leave us with a very deep dark hole inside of us.
It is interesting to me that the two words hole and whole are very similar apart from just one letter. Who do we become when we face that hole inside of us and become willing to trust it and to bear it and to work to fill it up again after we fully engage with the emptiness and old imprints and echoes it holds? Will we allow it to forever suck us down into a place of darkness, heaviness, mistrust and blackness. despair and fear? Or will we see that that hole was actually created to make a space that is some kind of container?
What might rise up from the hole (especially a deep abandoment wound) may be all the losses of the past and the most primal one from childhood or who knows, maybe even other life times where we lost or found ourselves unfilled, unmet, unfulfilled?
It sounds easy to do on paper but all of us who have been on this dark night journey know it is very very tough, to feel our brokenness and yet not remain in pieces, to know our wound but no to allow it to define us, to fear with every fibre of our being if we reach out to trust again we will be burned because we feel the burning fire of that past pain, those earlier loses searing in every cell. But what about if this fire was not sent to destroy us but to be a place of firing as if our vessel or the clay pot we have shaped over years on our wheel of pain and suffering and desire needed it to become real and manifest a new shape or form?
This is what I am currently experiencing in my own life. Fear is the phantom that tells us if we dare to trust again we will be burned, and yes we may be, but are we strong enough to try anyway or will we just chose to stay where it is safe and cosy because that is all we feel we can trust haunted by shadows of the past? It is not for anyone else to answer this question for us. Only we can. But my belief is that forms constantly change. Nothing in this world stands still for ever or if like a tree with roots that reach so far down into the ground it does that tree still grows new branches, forms and grows leaves and blossoms which then die to give way to other forms. So is loss and life like this for all of us. We can choose to surrender to it and co-operate with the flow or we can also choose to close up and say no to the forward movement of life force which desires for us to participate again. But then life may just keep us behind a closed door, locked from the inside by our own fear of saying yes to a new and more creative or vibrant way of living and forms that over time will transform again, die and shed to reform again,
Emerging From The Dark Night 