When is fear motivating my actions?

I am trying lately to get insight into when my behaviour or reactions are being motivated by fear, sometimes I will not see it until after I react.  This week I had the realisation that its not anxiety that drives me but fear in many forms and also a longing to connect and love which is fine if it comes from a full place, but if as children we were not filled up enough by the parent or taught to reconnect inwardly when having feelings and reactions or worse still shamed for them we learn not to trust the inner world much and our relationships with other adults suffer from a heavy burden that we cannot expect them to fully carry for us..  Even in therapy, in time with a good therapist they will encourage us to ‘inner resource’ which is hard to do when we massively triggered or age regressed to a young and emotionally impoverished self.

I managed this week to manage very well a break in communications with someone where fear jumped in.  Turns out my fears were in this case False Evidence Appearing Real based on ghosts of past situations haunting me and I am so glad I was able to put my focus off of the fear and onto the love inside.   I do think there comes a time when we need to chose what feelings and reactions we are going to have, and we can have the grief or fear or pain reaction while developing the capacity to ‘hold’ it and not act out as much.

I have just started a wondeful book called Light Warrior written by psychic and energy intuitive Kyle Gray. As an empath it is helping me to understand so much of how to stand in my own power, be aware of negative thoughtforms from past limiting beliefs as well as showing tips to protect me in positive ways that lead to self support and self sustenance rather than shields or defences being put up, rather armours which help to keep the pain of others at bay.  It does not mean that I do not feel their pain but that I can recognise it and make a choice to practice self care rather than take it all on board as so many of us empathic intuitives tend to do, getting overloaded or depleted in the process.

I held off from visiting my sister in the psyche recovery unit over the past two weeks.  A huge storm blew up last week that prevented me going to visit on Sunday and today she is very much on my mind and I posted a poem before I wrote last Sunday when I was grappling with complex feelings around the situation and our at times difficult relationship.   My heart has been feeling hers but since she wont reply to texts I am left not knowing how she is and I know my brother supports her in the only way he can as well as her sons so she is not as alone as I am and I need to bear that in mind but on another level she may be MORE alone emotionally.

I bought some flowers to take over yesterday and I will visit just for an hour and see how I feel afterwards.  I feel my Mum asking me to visit her and I am not sure if its a real urge from Mum or from the part of me that has also struggled.  I don’t want the visit to be motivated by fear though and I don’t have the anxiety I did last week thinking about her.  I know I can take care of myself and I can’t fully block off my heart urge either which is to physically show my caring by turning up.  I will keep you posted!