Trust

Optimism, faith and trust are qualites I struggle with.  I am a fearful person I recognise, I dont have a foundation of faith that things will work out due to losses I have gone through I feel good things can not possibly last and may be taken away at any moment.  This issue has lately rared its head in several situations and my sense of fear of abandonment and doubt is showing my entrenched Saturn Moon nature, expecting the worst, expecting disappointment, to be dropped or not to be got or understood.

In terms of the later occuring though (which it has a couple of times last weekend) I am realising now though that I AM strong enough to survive not being understood or got by others and being left all alone and unaffirmed or misunderstood.  It does tear at my heart but those feelings will not kill me.  I can survive all of those painful feelings that result if I do parent my inner child and true self  if I do know and stand by and comfort my  self well enough trusting what I feel to be true and express as part of my deep soul.

And as far as suffering from trauma and abandonment it’s par for the course others will not know how that feels to live with, what it takes out of a person and asks of a person on any day and the fear it can leave you with when you have witnessed love and trust be broken, a person`s deep process of breaking open to the messiness of the true self with all its repressed energy shut down, medicalised or negated in some way.

I woke up again terrified for my sister.  I know this terror is real.   I know after a long conversation about it in therapy what the agenda of my family is, since my sister is keeping to herself a lot and introverting they are seeing that as pathological and my sister is not taking steps to get good resourceful help either.  At the same time I recognise she is grieving too at a stage in her life when so much has gone into the fire but trying to tear a person`s protective coating off is not the way, this may not be, but their agenda does feel driven by the fact the anxiety they feel and my sister feel is not capable of being felt and contained and unpacked and channelled in a more productive way.

I realise there is nothing much I can do but speak for the truth when I see it.  I did place a call to my nephew today who seems once again to the cheif instigator of getting her into hospital.  He is very paternalistic with her at times – just what I have seen and it’s a difficult relationship between them, although he does love her he had a father who used to put my sister down a lot and laugh at her or tell her to rain it in when she got overly enthusiastic, he could be hard and cutting at times – that said I do know my sister has her own demons from her childhood.  I have seen two sisters as accused of being manic when really the were trying to bust out of a repression with a lot of feelings inside an inner swirl which was pushing outward, they needed skills to manage the way their energy was being expressed and just didnt seem to get the right kind of help.

I was literally shaking in therapy this morning.  My therapist noticed it and said it seems to be shock.  Its very close to the exact date the my sister was put in hospital on the day my older sister was buried four years ago.  She apparently ` wasnt up to’ attending the funeral and so never got to grieve.  Since then my Mum has died.  I do believe my sister does need to be with people though who will love and embrace her and help her to grieve acknowledging her needs and feelings and anxiety as signals not pathology.

I wish I had called her more but it was always challenging on the phone or when we got together I would be the one ending up crying over mutual loss while her eyes were dull and blank.   As it was when I broke down with my brother yesterday he called me ‘fragile’.  My therapist raised her eyes at that one and told me its not true I am vulnerable and strong but any display of anger or sadness in my brother is viewed with a mixture of contempt distain and terror and I can do nothing about that.   I end up feeling bad for having my feelings but as my therapist pointed out today it isn’t bad to feel my true feelings but brave and strong.

Anyway it is any wonder I have issues with trust?  I am not optimistic as I am realistic and I need my boundaries.  I have had several experiences in past week of opening up on dating sites and being emotionally honest only to be dropped without as much as a sorry we are not suited see you later.  But Kat said to me today in that case I am better off.  I was able to comfort myself last night between 3 and 5 am when I could not sleep by undoing the voice that wanted to blame me for others leaving or abandoning me.  I finally did get back to sleep by saying the serenity prayer and practicing soothing inner talk and imagining cuddling my inner child in my mind and telling her she is lovable even if and when other’s leave.

I was so glad for therapy today.  I really would be lost without Kat and I am so glad for the progress I am making.  Been listening to some beautiful music today and feeling grief for my two sisters and Mum now gone, recognising what I am and am not powerless over and letting the underground feelings flow rather than override them with control or cricticism or rationalisation.