On the positive side of the day I went over to my cousin’s to have a walk with Jasper through the pine forest, however we only ended up on some pathways not in the thick of the forest as I had hoped. My relationship with my cousin is one I can count upon, its not always easy to go super deep with things but we do talk about emotions and the issues of death and loss a lot. She is a very strong person who is able to express her opinions without any self consciousness, at times in the past that may have triggered me as I was conditioned to hold myself back a fair bit in exchanges. It’s a tendency that I have to hold myself back and work hard to sus what is going on and view things from different angles, kind of like a wide lens view on a situation to find a way I can fit myself around it. I sometimes wish I was less self conscious (and needing of connection and approval) and could just express that unapologetic burst of energy and opinion as my cousin does and know its okay to just set a boundary regardless of anyone else’s reaction and feelings.
Today I have been thinking about this loneliness wound that I have inside that is not always present and about the feelings of being deprived or excluded that I shared earlier. I’m recognising that it is just a part of me that gets triggered at times and has resonances reaching far back, like a soft sore spot that hurts when its poked.
I get in quandries as at times its second nature to pathologise my own need to have quiet time alone without the influence of too many others around me. Mum never understood my need for an inner life and sed to tell me all the time she felt I spent too much time alone, but alone time is where I touch deeper and even into the eternal at times as well as a creative space that is not always empty or full of wounds but also full of things. Its also a place I can hear my own heart beating.
When it is quiet I may feel the whisper of opening lines for a poem rise up and that may not always arise when I am surrounded by other people or a lot of noise due to that commotion drowning that inner side of me out. I was raised in an externally oriented family and I became more introspective and thoughtful due to the fact of not having people around or experiencing them going or being taken away in a random way I had no control over, so at times its natural that I feel powerless and like I do not have a lot of control in a world all going on out there without me. I can also feel a bit powerless to make an impact upon the world and second and third and fourth guess my desire to take action to connect when that opposite need arises.
I guess with my writing and blog I do make some kind of impact on the world but its not always face to face. For my my blogging world is a place of self expression where on the lonely days I have somewhere to go with the thoughts in my head and even on the days that are not as lonely my blog keeps me engaged and I am so grateful for it.
Today I had the two hours of connection with my cousin and her son and it was nice, but I did have a bit of negative self talk and chatter going on too when I left to come home, an inner voice telling me the walk was my idea and I’d foisted it upon them (and I was aware too I did not want to overstay my welcome). Sheesh I try to do something to connect then get dissed for it from within. Its tiring.
The inner critic is pretty much a constant with me at times. I am learning just to notice what the critic says, ask could some of it be true? I would rather though just try and feel my way into my own heart which is more accessible in the silence at times, I notice when my heart feels good around others too and when it does not. I do think the influence of others we surround ourselves with does have a big impact not only on our psyche but on our body. Its been shown in recent research that being shown empathy apparently increases the production of the feel good chemical oxytocin. While being around abusive, overly loud or toxic people can increase the production of stress chemicals such as cortisol.
What I am learning though through all of this is what a fine tuned station my body is and also a little of how the thoughts in my mind operate and affect my body too. My default position due to my trauma has also been to collapse, withdraw and even disssociate at times. One day this week I noticed when I had dissociated from my body and what it needed, I had tuned it out to do some other thing and my body had a reaction.
One of the symptoms of major trauma is that our minds do ‘split’ from our bodies, I am taking steps on any day to make sure I engage with some energising activities, either a walk or dancing or gardening, to get myself into my body and out of my head because often a panic attack involves a cascade of symptoms that I become more attuned to when I am inactive and stuck in the inner world for too long or at the wrong time. That said there are times to tune into my body as well and listen to what it is trying to say. Its a fine balance.
The feeling of being disengaged can be strong for me in a crowd but when alone I can be fully engaged in the tasks I am involved in. The disengagement may be something I choose to do when the energy feels ‘off’ or wrong somehow, or it may be that feelings of being disengaged or excluded are more likely in situations which are less under my control, not everyone would want to engage with me on any day and even at the dog park, and when that happens it can trigger an older injury that I need to notice in order to take care of myself. I have to realise my feelings come from me rather than anything they are doing.
I am realising that making active choices to engage, like asking my cousin if I could come over for a walk will have a positive effect, although I can be full of fears before I go and some negative self talk on the way back. Gosh its busy in my mind, its no wonder I sometimes long just for silence which comes and goes like the tide. This blog is just an attempt to exernalise some of my inner process today, to also affirm the fact that on any two days good and bad feelings can come and go like the tide and that there is always some positive thing I can do in order to become more aware of or at peace with my process (when possible.)
Emerging From The Dark Night 