Moving through the seasons of meaning

I awoke in a freshly blown windy seascape this morning as after months of no rain we had a storm last night and the back deck was in a wild disarray covered with leaves and other sbits from my tulip tree blown everywhere, the air felt different and I had slept well I know I was dreaming but could not catch the flow of the dreams and so they swam away like illusive fish.   It was a strange mixed of sadness I woke with because my one friend I connected to over the past year told me yesterday she is going back to South Africa next month and wont be back until January but then only to move to Perth.  I felt sad but then I realised that is the way my life is, everyone I love moves away and I can do nothing but accept that and bless them as they go and keep my centre deep within.    

I awoke also with a strange sense of confusion as last week the pull of my ancestors to return to the UK was so strong in my soul and on Thursday in session in therapy as I shared my poem about it When I Emerged I found myself crying so deeply about how Australia does not feel like my home.  But I am also aware that I have finally started to put roots back down here in my home town even though I don’t have strong friendships here, somehow my blog friendships sustain me in ways others cannot and I have my writing which always fills me up inside.  When I am ‘at home’ in my house I do feel that I belong and can find gifts and blessings in my life here. 

For some reason when I wake up I am also noticing how I easily get focused on the ‘imperfection’ and ‘mess’ that I think is my life but really this place is my soul space there are books and DVDs and ornaments all of which have spiritual significance to me, birds and butterflies and cards loved ones have given me over years, I just do not know if I could pull up roots to move that far away where I don’t know anyone.   I keep thinking of what Tian Dayton writes in many of her daily meditations books on recovery : that we always feel there is somewhere over there or far off that would be better than here, that we so offer dismiss the sacredness of the ordinary elements of our live eschewing them for bigger or better or shinier things instead of appreciating the value in the beingness and ‘nowness’ of the present moment. 

There are simple things to embrace and enjoy on any morning when I get out of the noise and diatribe in my head.  The feel of the breeze the fall of sunlight on wood turning it golden, the soothing snore of my dog Jasper and the quiet yet steady beating of my own heart which just goes on with such power keeping my body alive, pumping blood around, surely is this not all part of the miraculous that we humans so often just gloss over or carelessly disregard on any day?

For me I see more and more as I age that I have to live an embodied yet spiritual life.  I have to look within, not in a selfish way but into an inner world which sustains me, just as the strong trunk of a tree holds it upright as its roots go down deep, deep down into the soil of earth to gain sustenance.   I was also listening to a programme yesterday on how much damage carbon emissions from plane travel do to the atmosphere.  When we as a collective decided to pursue the mechanical life it came with many benefits but lots of problems too and then the tale of the Handless Maiden comes to mind, how her father who was too busy milling and involved in mechanism and industry did not realise it was she the devil asked to take away when she was standing in the garden under a pear tree, unbeknown to her father.  The devil tries to claim the daughter but she cries so much he is kept from her by the magical nature of her tears, however her hands are cut off and then she goes wandering.  Some Jungians tell this story as a parable for what happens when we lose our authentic power to do and be and feel others say its a kind of metaphor for the damages and costs of the technological, mechanical age when such a state of mind dominates.  

In any case I find great comfort in this story as despite the violence of it, it is rich story of how the inner work is really the most important work we can do as both women and men and then the connecting with each other not as objects but as human spirits, heart to heart and soul to soul.   As we stand poised at another scary time in the world with a strong convergence of heavy planets Mars Saturn and Pluto summoning up destructive forces and powers in the world at large it behooves us to keep digging deep to become more conscious and examine what forces really are driving us.  We must ask where they come from : past pain unresolved?  From fear and a sense of loss, lack and emptiness and vain striving or from love, co operation, connectin and a sense of giving, fullness and abundance?  And what is it really that we project out there and seem to be fighting against in the world with the actions we take?  

I also realise that on any morning my life and my world and my relationships have only the value that I give to them.    The way I think about and imagine my life is very important, I can use that imagining and meaning making as a form of denial or as a form of affirmation.  I can use it to cut myself and others to pieces to split and divide and minimise or I can reassemble those disparate fragments into a mosaic that has beauty, purpose, intelligence and meaning imbedded within it.  Same goes for my relationships.  Can I value the meaning of other’ s lives even when that conflicts with my own needs, drives or desires?

Mercury planet of mind and analysis and communication finally goes direct tomorrow at the same time as we have a new moon in Aries,  Mars rules Aries and has to do with the power of our motivational energy so over the past three weeks many of us may have been questioning how we go about things in terms of the use and power of our energy, what results are our actions having, what about how we deal with the frustrations in our lives?  How do we motivate ourselves to move forward and how does this motivation work in our relationships where needs conflict?

The Sun at this New moon squares Pluto in Capricorn as Mars moves towards it.  This conjunction of two astrological heavy weights can be a bully energy that seeks power and control over others at any cost, its something I experienced in my encounter with the gardener this week, it is one of the central aspects in the horoscope of Harvey Weinstein who has the square aspect.    There is a way that we can reclaim our own power over those types of energies in an assertive rather than an aggressive or defensive way but it does involve consciousness of where we may have felt overpowered in the past or absorbed messages that told us what we want does not matter.  We can learn to look for effective ways to communicate our message as well as express our wants and needs and also be aware when what we are wanting may not be for the best from an evolutionary perspective because often Pluto involves us having to surrender, lose or put to death something that may not be for our best forwardgrowth.

In that process like Pluto we have to be prepared to dig deep and travel down into the unconscious to explore what may be driving us from within.  It will also help us to be aware of how others are using their power and whether or not they are treating us with respect. 

For myself today I feel a sense of shift and newness in the air.  Here in the Southern Hemisphere we are travelling towards Winter, autumn leaves are turning red and gold and the air is cooling.  Reading posts from bloggers in the Northern I am aware of the shift there into another dimension of the seasons.  For me there is some kind of comforting rhythm in this cycle of the seasons, it reminds me there are times to blossom and to decay, times to gain and times to lose, times to take action and times to be still, times to fight and times to surrender, times to separate and times to join, times to meet and times to say goodbye and the most final goodbyes cannot be argued with or prevented and also can take us on a transformational inner journey.

The wisdom lies in learning how to ride the rhythms and co-operate with the flow of life and life death rebirth cycles instead of resisting and arguing and beating our head up a brick wall that was always presenting us with the message… maybe its time to turn around and look for another way forward or alter our thinking to find the gold or gift or meaning hidden in a dark situation.