The thousand shocks

The thousand shocks this flesh was heir to

Cut like a knife cut like a knife

Burned me inside

They say ‘get over it’

They say why not forget it

Well fuckwits don’t you realise the body remembers everything?

You think these things that happened to me

Outside my control

Were somehow just nicks

Superficially grazing skin

That left me behind one day

How could you know

Why would you care when you never lived it?

Yesterday when I told you the tale of cut wrist

Due to broken window at pain and frustration of locked house

After leaving the latch key

Inside behind a locked door

Forgotten

Then blaming myself

I saw the look in your eyes

Of surprise

I never knew that you said

Yes, you and I lived in different families

And the one that you lived in

Didn’t hurt anyone half as much as me

So when you talk of golden moments before it all went wrong

Is it any wonder I was wary

When all of this I carried inside

As scars on my skin

That have roots of pain

Tendrils of angst reaching down deep within

This morning as I surface from ocean of slumber

And bliss of forgeting

To the suppresssed memory of all of this living in cells

I rush to clear up the mess

With critic riding me hard

I Wonder how I coped amidst all the later drama and emptiness

But I did somehow

And really

Doesn’t that make me not a naughty selfish little girl

Who got it wrong

But a hero

Who wakes

Gets up and

Struggles every day

To tell the tale

To integrate this pain

Live my life

And forgive?