Vaporised

The connection I thought I had made yesterday on a dating site vaporised over night. I will never know what happened as we seemed to be getting on well, he needed to sleep and said we would chat tomorrow and this morning the connection was gone.   Even though I do not know this man we shared about the loss of parents and how important a friendship was in relationship so when he was gone this morning I was sad and I started to look for what I had done to cause it.  I then had this thought “Why does everyone leave me?”  I am glad that I was able to let this sadness just flow and pass through me for a while.  I managed breakfast and Jasper and I got out for a long walk, along the way I realised I will never know the true reason he decided not to pursue it and I didnt need to get lost in story lines, I just needed to feel the man shaped hole in my heart which goes right back to my father and probably further along generations to Thomas Trudgeon my maternal great great grandfather who lost his Mum before leaving the UK for New Zealand in 1874 at the age of 35.   I also needed to feel the loss of those man I loved in my life : Jim, Simon, Greg, Jonathan and Phil…… and the lack of connection with my older brother who seems to be appearing in a lot of dreams lately.

I am just back from the library and my walk and I had these thoughts on my way home.  I am okay on my own.  I do wish for a loving relationship with a man of soul to soul but it might just be I never attain it and I will always carry the sadness of those other relationships ending on the back of so much other trauma in my heart.  I wont ever be fully ‘over’ them as each one scarred or marked me in some way and I have such a memory of tender moments.  I also think lately of the two genuine possibilities who got away : Steve Boyd and Tony Cooper, both of these men were connected to me but sadly the connection had other things come in the way.  Tony was waiting for me to visit him in Bristol back on  1986 after we met in Greece that year but his sister nearly forgot to give him my letter and then in November 1986 I met Simon and we decided to live and work in a Pub in London.. not for long though as we got sick of the low wages and lack of freedom after a few months and both went back to temp work.   I will never know how things may have worked out with Coops…. i still have the photo of us taken on Ios in 1986 just before he left the island, he told me I was drinking too much and needed to get of the Island and I don’t know if at that stage I shared with him the loss of my Dad but I know he had my welfare at heart.

Anyway, my life has turned out as it has.  Connections have come and gone as perhaps is life but what I feel very happy about today is that I can now watch a connection go and grieve for a little while and know at the same time I have the power to move through that sadness and not get stuck or destroyed by it.  This is a new realisation for me and I am so glad I have it.    Maybe I finally have myself after all these years….