That orphaned feeling has not been with me as much lately. I seem to have been able to be very happy and positive for some time now and not feel that terrible sense of abandonment and sadness that used to dog me. But today I went to the little shopping centre which is very tied up with my Mum’s history, I had a coffee at the cafe we used to visit and I browsed around for half an hour but then started to get a very empty feeling in my stomach. It hit me again. I am very much an orphan now. I have minimal contact with my sister, my brother is often away and there is no other family here apart from my brother’s son and his family who dont want to have much to do with my sister or I, so I am pretty much on my own. But although I feel sad I also know I need to accept this. Other people make a life away from their family as adults. They find a partner and commit to a life to them, or they have their own life and find a way to sustain it from within, that said there is a hole there from the loss of both my parents that I am feeling today. And as I write this I wonder if it is time to move away and start a new life somewhere else or if I just have to bear this sadness that comes with the reminders of my family that also bring sadness.
I guess I am in a new phase. I was reading yesterday on Day 19 of Bev Aisbett’s book 30 Days 30 Ways to Overcome Anxiety how important gratitude and looking for the good things in our life is we suffer from anxiety. So as I was brushing the knots and matting out of my dog Jasper’s ears this morning instead of getting stressed I just reminded myself how lucky I am to have a dog that I can care for and a house was well, far from perfect and needing work, for sure but still two things to be very grateful for. And today a friend is taking me out for lunch, so I am so grateful about that.
I know how important it is where I put my focus these days. If I concentrate on what is gone or what is missing, the mistakes I feel from the past my anxiety grows, this doesnt mean I dont have or feel my feelings of sadness or regret about losses or mistakes or the past but that I do remind myself that there is still a life out there and in my heart on offer that I can choose to participate in. I see with the benefit of hindsight how focusing on what was gone or could not be changed I failed to see what was here for me. I felt overly responsible for my sister and I have to work to not feel responsible for my other living sister who does struggle I know but no more than I do.
I cried a lot in therapy the other day with Kat about how much I wish my sister was in a better place, happier and more engaged in life but I also know that is my perception and while I can care for her and about her, her happiness is not my responsibility. I look back to what she tried to give me in the past before she suffered her own breakdown and depression when I was in that state, I didn’t always feel seen or related to but I know from things she did, she did try to care in her own way and often I rebuffed those attempts due to lingering challenges from our past which was less than nurturing for both of us. That saddens me now, as does the way my Mum’ s life was so full of ill health and trips to the doctor in her later years and yet those are the things I DO need to accept to find peace.
Anyway its a very beautiful early Autumn day here in my home town and my friend is coming soon to take me out to lunch. I still feel a bit empty and sad today despite this, not sure why, but it could be the more into winter and the fact that this time of year is full of a lot of imprints from the past. I just need to ride through it with as much grace and consciousness as I can muster because it is true what my father said just before he died “always remember, life is for the living and life must go on.” I need to look for ways to sustain my own life and keep reaching out to live and make new nurturing connections.
Emerging From The Dark Night 