Well something must be triggering my Pluto in the first house recently. I haven’t looked at planetary placements much since the last eclipses but my recent spate of posts about confronting difficult issues (such as suicide and self harm) speak of my Pluto in the first being activated (and lo and behold, later when I went off to check transits Mercury planet of communication is smack bang on 9 degrees Pisces opposing my Pluto in the first house from the seventh) .
According to astrologer Steven Forrest the child with Pluto in the first house is the keen and penetrating observer, the one who tells the truth about things and then gets in trouble for it or told they don’t really feel that way, didn’t really see that, don’t really dislike that difficult relative. By all means children need to be encouraged to be sensitive to the feelings of others but not to the extent that they deny the truth or turn into people pleasers. In his comical description Steve talks of the child who says he doesnt want to hug Uncle Harry because he has bad breath.
For myself people pleasing became a way of life after getting in trouble one too many times for either showing initiative or trying to be honest, at school or at home with the family. I know such people pleasing also came out of a fear of abandonment which was very real in that my exhuberant truth telling self was often disapproved of. Growing up in the 1960s amidst a much older family who had little time for an outspoken, expressive, imaginative, full of life youngster I often found myself all alone. I was encouraged to shut myself up, tidy myself up, reign myself in, abandon the shorts and t shirts for hand made dresses which I was not allowed to get dirty.
The consistent messages I seemed to have absorbed growing up (like a lot of girls in that generation) was that I “was to be seen and not heard” and also that I was “too much”, “too sensitive”, “too intelligent”, “too intense”, “too dramatic”. So I learned to take myself away, dumb myself down swallow my thoughts and feelings and needs and confess my secret unbearable unspeakable thoughts only to the blank page. Even then they were not safe as my mother would read them and then confront me with how wrong I had it or how I did not really feel or think that way. So by about the age of 6 I had pretty much learned to deny who I really was inside or that the cost of doing so was too high a price to pay.
I think that was the natural character structure and set up for me to become an addict. My hunger to be me and express could only be liberated fully when I was several sheets to the wind, only then could I give vent to the wild true pure self that had been by that time fairly corrupted. And of course by my early 20s serious traumas had befallen me which taught me life was very precarious and it was hard to trust others to be consistent or emotionally available in any way.
The harsh truth is probably like this anyway. But I am not sure. There is a saying that goes the only person in your life who will never leave you is you, if you think about it sooner or later in life we end up losing everyone and the only person we can fully rely on to be there is ourselves and yet another part of me would like to believe that in a caring world there are some others who will be there for us. Lately I am making more efforts in recent weeks to reach out to help others who are struggling now that I am feeling stronger inside and I also know that feeling stronger relies on letting myself be outspoken and real rather than worrying if I am going to put someone off side for speaking my truth.
That said I would never try to force my truth down your throat if you have your own, you are entitled to it, but what I don’t think is okay is to try and deny another person’s truth, reality, experience or reactions when they are entirely understandable if you knew all the circumstances of their lives. Sowith Mercury opposing and highlighting that Pluto in the first house at the moment its probably spot on time to talk about it in my blog.
It helped me a lot to learn how my Pluto in the first house would never endear me to everyone in my life and may result in confusion due to experiencing being shut down for being too honest in childhood. The trouble happens when threat of withdrawal of approval or love accompanies that being real process as then we end up having to sacrifice a lot due to our desire to be connected as my therapist so often points out to me. I have developed a host of body symptoms and reactions as well as undergone accidents due to anger and self assertion being forced inwards.
In his book Planets in Youth .. astrologer Robert Hand expresses it this way (with Pluto in the first house) you have to understand that others are afraid of experiences you find interesting…other people will either be drawn to you or not like you at all… For this reason you will probably have a few strong friendships, and few if any casual ones. Yes, I am passionate and intense at times and I can be easy going at others, but I know my real friends know me and accept me for who I am. Its just taken longer for me to do the same.
Its becoming clearer to be that being a people pleaser does not sit well for people like me with Pluto in the first house. It’s not an easy charge to live with but its one that must be learned to live with in positive ways. This can be done by addressing confronational subjects and drawing close to those who value honesty and realism.
Steven Forrest in his book on Pluto recommends that those of us with Pluto in the first house seek out situations and careers in which we can give voice to darker truths that others will not necessary like or understand. We may find ourselves sidelined or scapegoated in our lives and we may have to stand alone at times, but we should not blame ourselves if this happens, for it may just be a natural consequence of us being real to our inner guiding daimon or personal spirit. And if we deny this force we may end up far worse off in the long run as that energy gets reverted inwards causing suicidal feelings or accidents which blow up the structures of our lives in order to bring about a transformation.
Emerging From The Dark Night 