I had a thought today about how naturally I can be pulled into the lives of others and how often that pull can bring me off balance. As I feel my energy drawn out I am absorbing and the time my energy feels best is when I can just be and rest within the circumference of my own being. And at times I feel there is something wrong with doing this and being so porous and reactive and at times struggling to hold my own energy within. Perhaps all relationships involve subtle energy exchanges and its good to be mindful of this most especially if we are highly empathic, absorbent, or sensitive.
I have noticed following my Mum’s death how little contact there is from others. I get a bit sick of reaching out all of the time. At times its good to see others, at other times I just need my space, and it can be hard to know if reaching out is a good thing as I can meet a brick wall of sorts within myself and I am never sure if this is due to a real need to stay separate or comes out of fear of being engulfed in some way.
It has become apparent in the lead up to my birthday who is interested in reaching out. Nearly a week has gone with no contact with my sister. I have shared before that since Mum died nearly two months ago I think she has called me perhaps 2 or 3 times. I was calling her as often as I could and conversation was stilted which is understandable as she is grieving my mother and is not feeling like interacting much with world, and implies that when anyone reaches out to connect or wants to meet up or take her out its a drag for her, rather than a cause for happiness or gratitude that people care enough to want to be there. I know of what she has endured in the past with her emotional and mental health issues, so her reticence makes sense in that context but her reactions still make life a lot lonelier and highlight the empty space left by Mum’s absence.
Anyway in the absence of contact from her I have decided I am not arranging a birthday get together for my birthday on Sunday. If I hear from her and am asked to share it her I will. I dont know if this is the best thing to do as I so often second guess myself. But it kind of feels right at the moment to live within the circumference of my own being and rest in that depth and respond to who reaches out to me for a time.
I do know how essential loving relationships are in our lives, but I also know these cannot be forced, they need to flow freely with a willingness from both sides. I have never found relationships easy and I know it comes from an insecure attachment style. It also comes from high sensitivity and is a reaction to certain losses of attachments I had no control over in earlier years. I lack ‘basic trust’ and I can only be aware of that but also be aware the problem is not always with me.
Sometimes when relating things dont gel and it is no one’s fault, just a lack of suitability between us that may be negotiated if we could be free enough to open and express needs or feelings in healthy ways. That is a way of relating I am trying to work my way towards and spending time alone helps me to connect inwardly and listen to my own heart and mind. I need that quiet time in order to feel that sense of inner connection that is so important to my emotional health and life.
Emerging From The Dark Night 