Daily Reflection : 19th January 2018

How does a deep person Survive in shallow spaces?  How does a thirsty soul survive and desert and not become labelled ill for going half crazy for dying of thirst?

How can our modern superficial world Really embrace Fully the complexities and vast idiosycnracies of a unique soul?

Why are so many of us forced to dumb or numb ourselves down Or cut off certain edges When we are led to believe we are not the right shape to fit the provided space?  And exactly what happens to the parts of ourselves that get cut off or shaved away.  Where do they go?

Long conversation in therapy with Kat yesterday about I have pathologised myself for my introversion, in just the way at times others have made me feel there is something wrong with me for seeing and feeling deeply and spending a lot of quiet time alone.  I know I learned to be an observer in my own family and it’s also something that happens to us when the soul in us is not fully recieved or allowed expression. At the same time I know the extrovert in me as well. I love to strike up conversations with strangers and learn things about them but part of me, as in introvert, knows that this may not always be received well.  After all in a society where a lot of people scam or can abuse there is rightly a sense of deeper caution and wariness when it comes to others approaching us.  But in a way that makes me sad.  As on my morning walk my heart falls inside my chest when the ‘hello’ I extend out is not received or is ignored.

Today I cried a lot.  I had hoped to hear from a person who reached out to me about Mum dying and other things between us that were challenging just prior to her death. I was sent some images which actually prompted me to write a poem about the silence of snow (still in drafts).  I then wrote another prose piece and found myself crying while reading it from realistions about feelings, longing, disappointment, silence and understanding.  For some reason silence is coming up as a key issue for me at the moment.  (As someone who follows astrology I remember that over the next week the Sun will light up by passing over my Mars Saturn Moon connection in the sixth house of my chart which really tells a tale of deeply inherited emotional isolation and self sufficeincy but thwarted need and longing too.)

I am gaining the most nourishment from quiet time alone where I can introvert and write and read and garden to my heart’s content.  And I am aware at the same time of the longing I do have to connect but to connect deeply.  Here on WP I can write and find connections of this kind, more than in my home town at present.

My therapist, Kat believes this will change in time as I am in a key time of transition following the death of my Mother, a relationship which was fraught with love and longing but a lot of difficulties too with invalidation.  She says she sees key signs of growth in me lately and feels it in my writing.   I hope for this to be true.

At times I still feel like a caterpillar in a chrysalis.  My wings are forming or have formed but they are still not quiet ready for flight, a butterfly turned up in the house a short while after Mum died and stayed for two days before dying.   Was that synchronicity or some kind of inner message?  I am coming to realise that life is never absolute and we have all kinds of impulses inside of us which are complex and can seem at times to want different things.  What nourishes us at one point may change.   The desire to be alone and deepen along with the desire to connect at a deeper level or just share quiet time.  These are some impulses I am feeling more and more lately, so maybe I just need to let them bubble away and take the actions in my day to do the best things that nourish my own soul growth knowing I am work in progress as is everyone else.  Sharing about that journey, reading and sharing about it in the lives of others too, well that is what nourishes me most of all, along with quiet time in nature, at least for now.