Home : reflections on the true self

I started a post on home yesterday that soon morphed into something else.  It was about the journey home to my True Self in a way.   I know the Buddhists say that the self is just a construct, just consisting of ideas of ourselves but what I am speaking of here is our essence, that part of us that feels connected and ‘real’ and in touch on deeper levels within and without, that so often gets obscured by conditioning and our mixed up search for love, approval and acceptance when such gifts towards our true being may have been denied or negated.

I was crying a lot in therapy yesterday and when Katina asked me why I reminded her of how she said to me about 6 months back I was crying tears for the true self that never fully got to live.  That is what I was feeling yesterday, after the loss of my Mum and older sister 3 and a half years ago (gosh, can it be that long?)  I see how much I put what I needed and wanted on hold to be there when others were not.  A few months ago I lashed out at a niece in law about no one being there as all her (my older sister’s) sons chose to live away except the one who tried to come back and wasnt helped by my brother, and it has worried me that I did that in October as it was partly about the shadow free self I never got to fully live in being there and doing my duty to care.

I cannot undo the past, that much I know.  I now must live in present time with all the losses and missed out chances and try to make the most of now, but God it hurts at times. Maybe that is why now just being ‘home’ is of great comfort to me.   I fought hard to hold onto this older style cottage last year when conditioning told me I needed something ‘newer’ and lower maintenance.  The place in question was not really in tune with my soul and my therapist Kat was always trying to remind me of this fact as one of my patterns is to deny my true self and see it as wrong or ‘bad’ in some way.

Those who have followed my blog for a longer time will know how I struggled with the inner critic for a long time, Pete Walker in his book on Complex PTSD highlights how dangerous the critic is and how it tries to sabotage our emotional recovery.  Now when I feel I am the closest I could ever be to being free I need to be aware of a part of me that would like to bring it all undone.

At ‘home’  the critic is not getting as much air time lately.   I am being active and spending as much quiet, creative, soulful time as I can alone, by a weird chain of events I am now without any phone contact with the outside world, due to the fact I lost my mobile a few days after Mum died, I borrowed hers and it was on a limited plan and when I overran it they barred me and my new sim card was not sent for some reason by the tel company on the 16th of December.   Instead of getting stressed yesterday when this happened I just decided I needed to accept it as part of the plan.  Maybe contact is meant to be cut from everyone here at present as I feel I am about to get ready to make some kind of forward move out of here, which is surprising to me as I am enjoying my home more and more.

Anyway I know my tears yesterday for the lost true self are also a reminded of how happy I feel now when I can live from that authentic place.  I have had so much trauma and sadness in my life and that will never be fully gone from me but I also am determined to live as much as I can in the present moment.  When I am home alone I touch deep places of peace and even ecstasy at times.  I really do feel I have all I need in terms of love inside of me.  I know we each have to find that first for the outside world can only give us so much.   I know the North Node is now in the sign of the Lion, Leo and we have an eclipse coming up on 31 Jan very close to my birthday.   I feel that part of me that wants to live at the centre of my own Sun, like the lion radiating outward from a true heart, joy, wisdom, love, compassion and authenticity.  Its all I have ever really wanted and if I cannot live it now then when can I?