Now my Mum has gone its just my sister and I here, the only family we see and its not easy for me to have a relationship with my sister. I try my best to connect, especially following Mum’s death I have been reaching out every day to her. As I shared in an earlier post our get together on Christmas day was not easy. There was so much silence and I feel very anxious when I spend time with my sister, I am not totally sure where the anxiety comes from but I never felt that safe around her and she is quite judgemental and perfectionstic about appearances. I know that isnt the depth of her. I see how she struggles to love herself and be kind. I know she is intensely self critical. Its one of the reasons for Christmas Day I bought her Pema Chodron’s book on Loving Kindness and Self Compassion.
In the past I know she has spoken about me behind my back to relatives and once in a while she will make a negative comment on something about my dog or my house which just comes out of left field. I am left wondering, does my sister really love me? I really want to let all of that go now. I know I have my own trust issues . I have a desire to be there but at times its so difficult as when I am with her things feel so lifeless, and the energy feels so heavy and stuck. I find myself wishing that I could get away and just feel the breeze in my hair and be around people who take life and themselves less seriously.
This struck me when we listened to the song Cool Change while having Christmas lunch. Its a song about the freedom and joy a person finds in sailing on a boat and findign himself at one with the elements. In it there is a line that says “I know it may sound selfish but let me breathe the air”. I know there is an elemental difference between my sister and I. I am a very airy intellectual person. I do have deep feelings but my mind is often full of thoughts, impressions and ideas which I like to share, my sister on the other hand is a water sign and I know her feelings run very deep and are so often unspoken. At times lately I have watched how my anxiety may be driving the conversation in order to fill the space, lately I have been learning how not to do that. To just be with the situation as well as the anxiety I feel within it, the feeling of not knowing what to do or what to say.
My feelings of helplessness are strong at the moment knowing how little support we actually do have here in our home town in terms of family. I know how much my sister needs that at present. And so do I. I am able to put my needs aside just to get on and keep up with doing what I need to do but putting my needs aside may not be the best. I am very lucky I have my blog. Its quite lonely at the moment, not being able to reach out to pick up the phone and call my Mum. Today is grey and overcast and on those days I struggle. I keep reaching for the things that make me feel a sense of happiness, time in the garden, walks with Jasper, reading poetry, calling friends who live in other states, writing my blog. Sometimes I just make a trip to the local shopping centre in order to be around others when I feel that is needed. I keep trying to think of things I can do to help my sister but nothing much comes to mind.
I am writing about it today just so I can externalise the worry process that goes on in my mind. I know how important loving connections are when we grieve, when we are not busily engaged in work or other activitiies we can also tend to brood and that is not always the best. Sometimes feelings get stuck when we dont make an effort to move forward on any day. I noticed yesterday as soon as Jasper and I got on our walk (after being abused by a young man for parking in the ‘wrong’ place – according to him not really wrong according to the other walkers around) I noticed the tears started to fall. I was able to just let then fall as I walked. I know this process will be ongoing for some time, the grieving. Its coming up to the annivesary of Dad’s death on 8 January. I know it was years past but this time reflects a hole that opened up in both our lives. I see from all of this how important it is for us to value the relationships and love that ARE in our lives.
I will always probably worry for my sister due to the past suicide attempt. I wonder about the guilt she may struggle with now Mum is gone as my sister was living with my Mum when she tried to take her life 4 years ago and Mum was the one to find her. I can only feel compassion and then I do what I can, there is certain pain I cannot carry though, it isnt mine and sometimes many times I dont find it easy not to take it on board, although I am trying.
Emerging From The Dark Night 