I wish

I wish so much for sobriety for those members of my family still drinking who were affected by long term hidden effects of alcoholism.    I just had a conversation with a family member who I could tell was under the influence and it concerned all the dynamics surrounding my Mum’s funeral earlier in the week.  I know the combination of unresolved grief and alcohol is not a good one.   He is in a very mixed up place and looking for answers but I could tell he wasnt really able to hear anything but the thoughts going around and around in his own head.  I would rather not have these conversations with somone who is not fully aware.   I can do nothing for those who chose to deal with things this way.   I think of some words that were read out at the meeting on Thursday night from the AA Big Book.  Ask God in your daily prayers what you can do for the person who still suffers.  My only answer at present is to pray.

I am grateful for my sobriety.  I no longer want to have to carry damaging things that happened years ago and affected my family terribly up to and including my mother’s recent death.  I want happiness in my future life, which is a life in which I am with peope working an honest program of recovery, speaking ill behing people’s backs when I dont fully understand all the conditions that gave rise to them being the way they are now also is beginning not to sit that well with me.  I know we all do the best we can with our level of consciousness and as I become more conscious I am aware I need to place boundaries around myself which are self nurturing and self protective.

Some kind of break with my family karma seems to have been in effect over this closing out period of Mercury retrograde which hit important transits back in 1980 concerning Neptunian issues of addiction and confusion.   I want to fly under the radar and keep a low profile.  Recovery and sobriety is a gift, so is serenity.  I have to work hard to keep it and as we move towards 2018 I want that to be my priorty.  Al Anon taught me I did not cause my family’s alcoholism, neither can I control it or cure it.  I can show compassion but I also need my boundaries now more than ever.   I can only pray that in time those members who need sobriety will embrace it.   But that may never happen and is outside of my control.   I am just so glad I don’t have to self medicate in that way any more.