Where are you? Thoughts on staying present.

Dealing with the aftermath of my Mum’s death lately is showing me a clear boundary between where I am at any moment.   When I wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning thoughts are going round, mostly the concentrate on my culpability in nudging my Mum to accept a  visit from my nephew and his daughter 10 or so days before she died which I know put pressure on her.  I knew that the traumatic imprint of my sister’s stroke and the psychotic aftermath was being triggered as astrology told me as much, but I was not at all clear that it would manifest in such a tragic way.  As so many of my friends have pointed out I didnt cause the fall that followed my grand niece’s seizure on 4 December and led to my Mum going to hospital on the 6th and dying 6 days later on the 12th but I was implicated.   Someone said to me today “deb you arent in control of the universe” then why is it that whenever things go wrong I look for how I may be to blame.  Is that the manifestation of self centred thinking and fear?

I am in addiction recovery so I ask more of myself that of others.  Or try to.   Its hard enough now grieving my Mum without these thoughts going round and only getting out of my thinking mind and into the present moment offers me any kind of relief.  I am about 60 pages into Ruby Wax’s book on Mindfulness and the brain Frazzled at the moment.  For those who dont know she studied mindfulness based therapy at Oxford University and has written a book about it.  While I dont agree with all she says certain things are very helpful to read for any of us who suffer with anxiety/depression.  We need to understand better the part we play in making our suffering worse and what we can do to allieviate it without the use of drugs alone.

I know that our bodies would like us to live in the present moment and I know trauma keeps us pinned to the past.  I know this for I was in living in isolation/past/regret/trauma/ongoing memory recycle for over 3 years following the breakdown of my marriage and after a head injury/accident I suffered on the first anniversary of my husband’s decision to leave me.  I know he struggled to be a good husband as I went into addiction recovery when we were only married for three weeks.  It was 6 years later I started therapy in the UK and he struggled to understand that and why I needed it.  In the end it got too much for him and I dont blame him.  We moved back to Australia so I could be closer to family but there was so much unresolved trauma and I was in fear of them, I see that now and for good reason.

Anyway I dont want to bore my readers but I am alone now, have been for just over 13 years.  I have been close to family for the past 7 trying as hard as I can to support them while I did my own therapy with various therapists.  Now with my Mum’s death there is only my sister and I living here and my sister tried to take her life in 2013, at the moment she is not taking my calls and this is what happens when she is depressed.  She shuts down and blocks me.  I can only try to reach out, I have fears she may try to take her life.  My brother stayed for the whirlwind of the funeral but flew out to the States today.  I am alone here with my sister apart from a nephew who never sees us.  I will cope.  I can cope but its scarey.  And the only way I will manage it all is if I keep living in the present moment and fronting up.

Its a while since I have attended AA meetings but I went to one last night.  I want to go back as I need that kind of support.  In  AA we are working a program focused on love and getting into the present moment.  I was so touched someone reached out to me to talk last night as they did not know me at the meeting and luckily I wasnt called to share but I got the calm I needed by just being there in those rooms of peace.  It was a dusk meeting in an old room in a church with a soft breeze blowing through the door.  I am so grateful for these free meetings.   I felt calm after it and I slept okay only waking at 1 and 3.   I need at this point to stay in the present moment as that is where I will feel my grief. I am powerless over the past.  I can only front up today and commit to living as honest a life as I can in the present.  Somedays as we all know that is tough, but its not impossible.