To be in life is risky and for those of us who where hurt in the past or carry abandonment wounds (or schemas) it can feel even riskier. I know in my own life how wary I am at times of connection with others. I fear being ovewhelmed and abandoned emotionally and I am not sure if this is due to my own feelings or fears of not being ‘got’. As I recover I see its not necessary for everyone to understand me, they are not me and do not live inside my own skin, if and when we try to impose our own reality on others we are overstepping boundaries and if this is done to us we can and will step back. It isnt necessary to always get bent out of shape about it, but when it happens and we have an unprocessed wound we can and may in earlier recovery be taken into a shame bound spiral we need to work to understand.
My own deep fear of abandonment became very noticeable to me over the time of my Mum’s funeral. There were get togethers I thought I would be included in and I wasnt. At first it hurt me and I was tempted to play my sad story over in my mind but then I realised if I wanted to feel peace and serenity I would have to accept I was not included. I dont always entertain a lot at home anyway so, why would others keep doing it? This is the way my thinking goes. Maybe they thought I needed my space and I had said I wasnt comfortable being around a lot of drinking at that time, so if they wanted to drink they probably decided it was best to do it when I wasnt around.
At the moment I see I am working towards trying to find a way to be in relationship with others despite my fears. I need to just be with the fear that others will find me boring or want to get away from me as soon as possible. Sometimes I dont have a heap of conversation and at those times I need to keep it real. I extend myself into someone else’s reality as much as I can to be present for them, but at times when conversations falter it may be just the way it is. I am beginning to understand that true deep connections cannot be forced. But I have to be honest and say that so often I find it hard relating in many relationships. I dont know if its due to the amount of trauma I have suffered.
Like a lot of empaths and highly sensitive people or people who have suffered trauma I function best at times in solitude. I dont really often feel so alone these days and when I start to I ususally make the effort to find a way to reach out. Now my Mum is no longer with us I feel less of that burden to connect. My only remaining sister is not returning calls and there is nothing I can do about that. She is grieving too and so probably needs her space. I will respect that. And just because I thrive on quiet time, doesnt mean that there is something wrong with me as people have led me to believe in the past. Like many introverts I am nourished by quiet time and then I am happy to mix when it feels comfortable to do so. I can get overloaded in too much company for too long. Once I understand and accept that its easier to feel peace and be happy, freed of outside pressure to be and achieve in ways that do not inherently suit my true disposition. There is a connection between self knowledge and emotional balance. This is something I know for sure or am at least finding out.
One good thing that happened from my therapist pulling back on me over the week following Mum’s death was that it made me reach out to others. I know people will be there to connect with if I am honest and brave enough to ask. I do at times fear overwhelming others or being a burden but at such a time as this most people understand I need some support and are not judging me as I fear and maybe I am very judgemental of myself so my fear of judgement may be projection, at times I also may judge others when I do not have all the facts. I try not to judge but guess in the end its all part of being human both similar and different to other humans we share life with on this amazing planet.
Emerging From The Dark Night 