I don’t always know

I am getting some pretty major lessons lately that I often make assumptions that are not always based in fact and they come out of my abandonment fears.   My sister called me a short time ago.  Turns out she missed my call earlier today and I could hear she was genuinely sorry.  I got to understand that since Mum died another death has sparked old abandonment fears.  We organised a simple lunch here on Christmas Day and I am so happy about that.  And I know Mum would be too.

I am feeling lately that my idea of a loveless world in which people are out to get me, hurt me or leave me is not based in fact but on a past that is now passing away.    I am feeling some mother wound deep inside me is trying to heal at present.  Last night I connected with my nephew and he shared how sad he felt.  It had been his father’s birthday yesterday and he died 7 years ago.  I was able to text all the boys to let them know I was thinking of them.   It was a healing moment.  It’s interesting that my brother in laws death anniversary is only a few days apart from my mothers.  She carried a resentment against him all through her life and in a way it might have been this which led her to only make a token bequest to the four boys in her will.  The solicitor told me on Wednesday when we met that she was considering changing this and she asked me in the last few months to make sure I took care of the boys financially when she was gone.  I will have half of her inheritance.  It’s a big ask but I am glad to do it since what is coming to me is not part of my own earnings.

In the text my nephew sent back he said that as sad as he feels ‘the future is bright’. We are now no longer as disconnected as we were throughout all of those years apart.  Sure some of the boys drink and I wish some of them would go to AA, but that is not in my power or control.  I will only ever be in their lives part time anyway and part of the reason I am going back to meetings now is to connect with sober members of life because I find those who work the 12 steps have balance, humility and integrity. They are not devoid of joy but are happy and trying to move on from negativity based on past pain.  Those are the qualities, the kind of grounded qualities I have decided I want in my own life next year, so really the future is looking bright.   Getting that lovely call from my sister really lifted my spirits this afternoon.

I have so much to be grateful for in my life but most of all I am grateful that for 24 years of my life I have been blessed not to need to drink or get out of it.  I have tried my best to front up even when I went into collapse.  Even then I was doing the challenging thing of fronting up to my damaged insides.  Its been a hell of a journey and it’s not over yet.  But today I feel hope.  I also put up my Christmas tree.  I got it when Jasper was only a puppy in 2013 and this is the first years I have put it up since.  I think I caught him looking longingly at one of the little bird decorations he ate when he was only 3 months old.  Together we will celebrate the season in a peaceful quiet way surrounded by all the love and kindness we feel in our hearts to-night.  Joy to the world!  At the end isnt Christmas just about fellowship, trust and love, not about how many presents we put under the tree?