Riding the tide

I am trying just to ride the tide today.  The tide of grief which swells sometimes.  Today at 10 am we met to assemble old photos with my brother, sister and her son.   We selected some beautiful music to play at the funeral on Tuesday – How Deep Is Your Love by the Bee Gees, Unforgettable by Nat King Cole and The Blue Danube which was one of my father’s favourite waltzs – oh and Elton John’s Your Song which just made me cry.  Mum loved Elton’s music.  My brother and sister actually reached out and held my hand as I cried so we could share the grief (while kind of telling me to get over it but it was something!).  My nephew was silent but he understood.  I valued his calm quiet presence that seemed to take a lot in.

I then went to meet one of the funeral directors as I missed him yesterday.  He actually started to cry when we were sharing about death.  I was worried that after the funeral we are not accompanying Mum’s body to the crematorium which is some distance from the church.  I know Mum is no longer in her body but I feel somewhere I may be abandoning her and the deeper grief process.   The best funeral I went to in later years took place in the cemetry garden and everyone was able to follow the coffin along on foot and have a ritual at the grave side throwing in rose petals.  I wish Mum could have that but that cemetery is not where the rest of our family are buried or have memorials.   I am not sure if its holding on to do this all on my own, no one else will be going.

Anyway I left there only to find when I got home I had lost my mobile phone.  That distressed me but a neighbour helped me by allowing me to use her phone, I put a message up on Facebook  and just thought there is not a thing I can do about losing the phone right now.  Soon we are to meet with the priest.   So much or organise hot on the heels of a death which we are still coming out of shock about.   Everyone is grieving in their own way.   A storm is starting to blow up here.  I wish I could just stay still and quiet at home.   I feel my Mum best in the silence that feels full of peace at times.  The world out there is so topsy turvy and while grieving its easier to lose things, in my experience as we are tired and not fully present.  Yesterday it was great just to be at home all day doing as much as I could to relax.   Jasper and I went for a lovely walk at sunset and met several other dog owners.  I slept through the night after getting to sleep at 12. 30 or so.

Anyway who knows what tomorrow holds.   Will my phone turn up?  Who knows.  I am just letting go as much as I can.   I am not going to worry.   I want to live in peace while processing this loss and huge change of losing my Mum.   I want to ride the tide with as much grace as I can.