This is one of my favourite sayings from my days in AA. It’s not easy at times to keep an open mind when certain people bug the life out of us. This morning as we were sorting through all of the photos to put in the order of service and project at the wake following my Mum’s funeral on Tuesday my brother seemed intently focused only on the photos to do with Mum and Dad’s earlier years when he was young. When I showed him a lovely photo of Mum and my Dad’s sister in Holland taken 2001 and one other with my aunt and her daughter. He dismissed by saying, “no not that one, who are those people no one knows them?” Oh God, massive trigger. I got upset. It;s a mirror of how he wanted to push us aside for so many years, and my aunt in Holland was just the softest most lovely person. When I visited her for the second time in 2000 she had photos of me and my siblings all over the place. From that time on we bonded deeply and I found a refuge with her at times when I was going through my divorce.
But thinking about it, why should my brother care about this? He was born at a different time in both my parent’s lives. They were barely adults but had to grow up so fast in the war and being stationed in the Dutch East Indies during a very violent time (the struggle for independence from colonial rule) they experienced great danger. Danger so great my Mum had to learn to shoot a pistol.
I got a greater insight into my brother today, but I still found myself feeling erased a lot. Luckily one of my nephew’s was there and we exchanged a few meaningful glances. I was so touched by how he tried to consider everyone connected to Mum and find photos of all of his cousins with her to add to the photos we are going to include in the service. Thanks be to God he was there. And he never confronted my brother but just quietly tried to steer him onto another track, my other sister just sat their quietly chewing her lip.
Anyway no one has killed each other. Things calmed down a little later. But this kind of sidelining by my brother has been a pretty much constant feature of the past 5 or so days. He said today that as the head of the family now he is the one who needs to have the authority. Did he forget that my sister and I are now fully grown adults with our own ideas? Talk about dominating things. But I am sure he means well.
Well, I survived today in tact. I lost my lovely new phone, luckily Mum had a decent mobile so I am now using that. I didn’t panic about it this afternoon and everything turned out okay. It wasn’t a major disaster. I am just going to keep an open mind about everything as days leading up to the funeral come to pass. We have most of the administrative details in place. I was able to cry several times and express my feelings and my brother and sister held my hand. At one point my sister even came over to me and gave me hug. That delighted me so much.
I keep thinking of how water can melt away some of the hard rock surface if it just persists with Jupiter now transiting over my natal Neptune and my sister’s natal Saturn maybe I am the water carrier at the moment. I just need to keep being real and genuine with my feelings and fronting up, then taking my leave when I need to retreat to my own space.
I did a bit of work in the garden this evening, made a simple meal and will relax now. At this time of day I feel my mother around me, as dusk settles. I think of her as a young girl all alone at this time of day waiting for her mother to come home from cleaning offices. I have not had any of those dinner time spins since she died, something deeply ancestral has shifted. I can just feel it. I cannot share this insight with many people but there are just too many connections around surrounding my Mum’s death. It occured a few weeks out from my father’s death anniversary on 8 January. And it was around this time my father had his operation 32 years ago. Something is trying to come full circle in our family. Its also the anniversary today of my brother in law’s death, the one who abandoned my older sister. Maybe he and Mum have finally reconciled on the other side. I dont know But all I know is that at this time of day I feel a kind of deep completeness and peace.
Emerging From The Dark Night 