I just got back from my therapy appointment and a lot of it focused on how I so often think I am to blame for certain things happening that arent my fault, or else I am looking for something to attribute said thing to. What if the thing just happened. I was thinking about this while driving home with Mercury passing through Sagittarius, as this is the sign in which we look for a higher purpose or deeper meaning in events. I finally heard from my nephew in the middle of session this afternoon. He also has been blaming himself for what happened to Lyra on Monday. He told me he has been in a bit of a self destructive spiral and his wife has firmly but kindly told him to get a grip! The specialist now know that Lyra’s brain swelled in response to a difficult immune response to a viral infection, now they have given her steroids it has settled down. As soon as I heard drugs mentioned my heart siezed up. Its not uncommon for susceptibility to infeections to accompany a Neptune transit to Mars. And Lyra was obviously vulnerable. I am sure the drugs are helping her. I am so fearful of drugs!
I shared with Katina also how I felt my own abandonment wound got triggered when I heard that his wife’s family were all turning up to support he and his wife. I didnt hear back from him yesterday and in that empty space left by no contact I imagined all kinds of disaster scenarios which had no basis in reality. I see that now. And I cried when I shared a deep fear with Kat this afternoon that I will lose them all in some way, this all relates back to how I felt when my sister went away when I was 3 and later had the stroke and we were separated from the four boys for so many years. This makes so much sense to me of why so many of my attachments have been dogged by fear, especially to males. I think in the end my own abandonment fears ended up pushing people away but that said someone who loved me and didnt want to demonise me for being insecure and fearful would have stayed. I did not attract securely attached partners.
Anyhow, my mind and body calmed after the conversation with my nephew. They will be stuck in Sydney for a few days and he wants to get a flight back to see Mum if he can. He is such a loving boy with a deep heart of compassion. So what if he smokes a little too much and drinks (that said I know my concern about these things comes out of an honest wish for his wellbeing.) ?
I need to keep reminding myself that fear and love ARE really the two most powerful forces in the universe. We can meet our fear with love instead of reaction or resistance, we can run and hide from fear or get angry and pretend its really not fear we are feeling denying when the vulnerability of connection to others who are not us is triggered, or we can look the fear in the face and own it and offer it love. We can project the rejection we fear onto others and imagine we will be let down or abandoned as we were in the past, or we can keep opening our hearts and trusting that all will be well and even if it isnt there is an adult loving us inside to hold our little one’s hand.
Revelations and insights seem to be emerging today after 3 days of Mercury retrograde, I am sure there are more to come. I will keep in mind the love in my heart and the love in the heart of others, so much love, I will try to recognise when fear is trying to grab hold of me and answer with love, when I can.
Emerging From The Dark Night 