I always thought it was a good idea to follow my heart, to sense where the flow of love wanted to go but lately I am seeing that in emotional neglect feelings and desires unrequited pool deep down inside us with nowhere much to go. Because we are relational beings we will try to reach for something if we are not shut down completely due to lack of trust and past hurt/invalidation, then its not always wise to just let our inner child’s heart guide us, at least if we don’t have a good adult part inside to set boundaries.
I would see the inner parent as Saturn in astrology. That force can either set defences up or limits. One of the core damages of early trauma is that we dont get to develop a healthy ego that feels strong enough to say “No” to hurt, or “Yes” I DO matter and I am not weak for being sensitive as we were told. Surely that sensitivity is no use to us if it leaks out all over the place as then we can be drained by any black hole of suffering in another.
Neptune is the astrological force associated with infinite compassion. Its the pool of universal feeling that flows from soul to soul and within souls. It is a deep ocean that knows nothing of limits. Neptune in mythology was also often a vengeful God, sending up storms and tempests. We can only swallow our feelings for so long, til they rise up again to be known. It may take time if we have been wounded at a relational level to know who is good to open our heart and give to and who is not. At the end of my last painful relationship I was scammed for significant amounts of money on internet dating sites as I fell for weeks of grooming and then the oh so sad sob story!
Come to think of it, in the last relationship that also started with him opening up to me about his psychotic ex girlfriend, after I shared with him I had been in addiction recovery for a long time. I got a bit of a gut feeling after the first night we spent together when we went for a swim on the beach that I needed to swim away from him. The stories about her ‘psychosis’ rang warning bells. At the end he and his sister had organised for his ex to be taken away by the police. Only later was I to know what he had done to his ex wife, the wife he claimed was a closet lesbian (not true as her next husband revealed to me some months after my ex and I broke up). Never the less my desire to be connected to someone was so strong then I went against my best instincts.
Its coming up to the 7th anniversary of our separation in January. It took at least 5 years to stop beleiving it was not all my fault. I was portrayed as the one with all the problems to his family and friends. He refused counselling, I was to undertake it as I had the ‘issues’ due to the fact I arked up with anger hen my boundaries were not respected and I was fed on a diet of crumbs. I was the ‘vulnerable one”. Well yes, I was, I was vulnerable to him out of my desire to be loved but the key lesson I had yet to learn was to love myself. I see that so clearly now but that realisation has taken over 4 years.
As I write this I see I am coming along well in my recovery. I did not get much from either of my parents in terms of emotional connection. I had a hunger I took into my later life and it manifested in promiscuity, most under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I don’t think I would have fallen for an emotionally available or securely attached individual to be honest, as that was not my familar pattern.
Now with this latest ‘disaster’ with my Mum I am seeing that clearly I need to set limits and they are not physical ones, but rather mental ones. Last night when my mind was about to become full of the pain she was going through in emergency I just blocked it. I am not used to doing this. I did break down in tears a while ago though. I know despite everything my Mum does the best she can. Its just I now feel I deserve more of a life than just being the infinitely compassionate one. When it comes down to it I am only human. I have only a certain amount of energy to give. I may feel the suffering of the world in my heart at times, so deeply. And I realised today I cannot hold it all. I need to surrender it to a higher power, be it nature, my dog or the wind. One human being can only hold so much. I am not infinite though sometimes in my deepest soul I do feel I touch infinitude. I feel the hollowness of boundaries between me and others. Its a great conflict and paradox all roled into one. A mystery I will never fully solve.
Emerging From The Dark Night 