My painful experiences last night in casualty really showed me a deep psychic reality. That when we have suffered serious trauma it still lives in us somewhere. If we have not dissociated from it and can remember then we are going to have that memory as well as the full on body experience of it retriggered when we are faced with something that activates our subconscious. I noticed last night after returning from the hospital that I felt so spun around I could not unspin out of the trauma spiral that had captured me. I must have finally fallen asleep at 12.30 am and then awoke at 2.30 very deepy coiled inwards towards my left side, but I was soon reactivated with the spins as awareness of the traumatic events of the previous 12 hours were being awakened. I only managed to doze off and on after that and my body was going through all kinds of contortions and while they were happening I remembered how I saw Lyra’s body contort in the middle of her ‘siezure’ at Mum’s place and how in the hospital as the sedatives began to wear off her little shoulders started to shrug and her head turned from side to side as her arms raised and bent and came up towards her face. As soon as this happened the doctors or nurses were on to her and pinning her down (gently, mind you) but this was so triggering to me as it activated my stuck in car major MVA trauma and then the nightmare I had in the early hours of this morning involved me being sexually assaulted while held in place. I could not move although I wanted to.
As I have contemplated all of this, late this afternoon and tonight I see this is also symbolic of how it feels for me being back in my home town and around family in the place so much trauma hit. What really worried me this afternoon was the thought that maybe Lyra being super sensitive had picked up on something, when it came time for her father to pick her up to leave the unit the siezure took hold.
Anyway that is a pathway of thought that bothers me. At the same time I wanted to write about how there is a complex conflict in me between the part of me that wishes trauma no longer existed deep down inside me and the part of me that still experiences it as well as the darker memories of really powerless times and experiences. Perhaps trauma is not holding me as captive as it did in past years, though today for the first two thirds of the day I revisited that pinned and paralysed place in my psyche. I did manage to go for a walk with Jasper later in the afternoon, have a hot drink and do some grocery shopping. I also managed to sweep up some leaves in the yard and many years ago this would not have been possible. However what I am realising is that past traumas I have suffered or witnessed will always be with me. I will never be able to fully escape from them. Its harder to pull energy away from the paralysed fixed place when we are isolated and alone That is pretty much where I ended up at the end of my marriage in 2005, I tried to break out but then had another accident at such a key time and that put me back. It stole well over 11 years from me, years I did not get to live free as a person, free from trauma.
All I can hope now is that in some way I can use what I have been through to help others in some way. I hope my blog which is my first tentative step in this direction either helps othesr who struggle or those who have loved ones who do. I am looking towards what I may be able to set up or train for next year in order to get some kind of qualification to help others, for it seems to me that trauma may ask this of us. I also long for light and life and love and freedom too. Sometimes I taste it, just for moments. Its often a fleeting taste that can disappear or dissolve. Just as I seem to be making good progress forward events like those of yesterday revisit and I fear I am back in the pinned and paralysed place. But what I am realising is that I am not as captured as I was. Seeing Lyra going through what she did was a massive trigger for me. I dont want her to grow up with the sense of powerlessness that both her grandmother and I endured. Its so important for young women to know they have the power to fight back and not be pinned down by larger forces. Its a kind of psychic rape when that happens. Maybe at the hospital last night they were not trying to pin her down, just keep her calm and safe for a time. That thought occured to me as I was washing up my dishes after dinner a moment ago. I am not sure of the answer to be honest. I just think she is a very very sensitive and loving little girl, who also has a lot of strength. As we were stroking her hair last night in emergency all the nurses said to us “she’s a real tough cookie this one, a real little fighter.” If that is so then she is going to be okay, at least I pray she is.
I did wonder too tonight how much of my own inner child I was projecting on Lyra last night. I felt such a deep connection with her over her days with me here at home. Just a moment I went into the room she shared with my nephew and it still smells of her. I really missed her at that moment. I pray the higher power is holding her close in care tonight. I havent spoken to my nephew since this morning and in that call I was so distressed. I hope he knows they are both in my prayers. I just needed a little space today. Space to recover my equilibrium. I pray I sleep well tonight and that soon Lyra will be out from under the sedation.
Emerging From The Dark Night 