There is a beautiful reading in one of my Al Anon readers where the writer speaks of how in emotional recovery they came to understand how long ago they lost contact with the child in them that had such an open heart : a heart open to grief, open to blessings, open to wonder, open to joy, and yes, even to pain. I thought of it a lot when I read something Willie Nelson writes about in his book The Tao of Willie : A Guide to the Happiness in Your Heart this week. It also came to mind today when I touched base with some of the feelings of my inner child that seemed to appear out of nowhere as if a fog had cleared that formerly obscured them deep inside.
There is something of this child self in us that is both innocent and pure, whole, undivided and uncorrupted by outside influences. I often cannot help but feel a large part of our recovery or spiritual journey is to bind back again to this part of us or re-connect with it. When you see older people who have done their inner work and not turned their back on this part of themselves there is an essence you can see shining from out of their eyes, you see the child they once were and still are somewhere deep within a lined face. I think that is why these words from Willie Nelson really struck a cord with me this week. I hope they do for some readers too.
…look closer, peer into your eyes. Are you there? Do you see yourself as a child who trembled at the lightning but always counted the seconds to thunder? Who knew the magic of fireflies on a summer night, and the satisfaction of your mother or grandmother’s home cooking? If you let those things go, a part of you will go with them.
In my eyes – and yeah, in my lined face , I see my kids at every age – good times and bad, happiness and sorrow, they’re all there, their lives are a part of me, and I will never let that go.
If I look long enough and deep enough, I see that the boy from Abbott is the same as the old man on the road. That the grandson I was is still a big part of the grandfather I am. I see that I’m lucky to have a place in the world, lucky to have people to love and people who love me. Lucky to be alive and to have a song to sing, and another to sing after that too.
When I am true to myself, that helps me stay true to my family and friends as well. They may not always see it that way, because I am sure there are plenty of times each of them would like me to stay closer to home.
But I hope that eventually they’ll understand me and understand themselves as well. Even when I’m far away, they’re all with me. Especially when I look in the mirror.
You may have to bullshit your way past strangers every once in a while, but there’s no lying to family or to yourself.
It’s easy to be false with other people, but to be false to yourself is a waste of your life on earth. Look in the mirror. Live.
Willie Nelson
Emerging From The Dark Night 