I am questioning my own perspective this morning. I would never be as arrogant to say I know what is ‘right’. What works for you may not work for me. The values I have you may or may not share and yet still I need my values. I am questioning a lot today with my nephew staying. When he comes to visit a whole history comes too, but one with many gaps and unknowns. And he was just a little older than I was when my older sister left home to get married (that was in 1965) when she was sent home with a one way ticket by her husband following her cerebral bleed in 1980. My nephew was 5 so a little older than I was when my sister left us so suddenly, but he knew the loss of a loving mother and was told she chose to leave. My sister tried to take her life when my parents had to give her the news her husband had sent her back to Australia with only a one way ticket and she would not see her sons for many years.
She was confined to a wheelchair then and my brother in law had a girlfriend who had gone to New Zealand prior to him taking my sister out of rehab. He had the GF set up over there. I dont know the full story as at that time I was in my late teens and had already nearly lost my life in a serioius MVA at 17 but I think when all that came to light for my sister she went off the deep end and he may have had her committed at some point.
Its only good feelings between my nephew and I. We ‘get’ each other but I also see how young we are inside and there is something of that separation pain we carry, but since he is now in a loving relationship, I dont need to worry as much. There is also something of the big kid in my nephew who is 41 but such a beautiful gentleness too. He has had a lot of scarring and last night I was talking to him about my own learnings with self compassion, how much of a hard time my own inner critic gives me for being not futher along, without a career (yet, as I am considering studying next year to get a Diploma in Counselling), he goes through the same. In his case I do not feel the criticism is warranted, he is a very successful artist though he does struggle finacially.
I know that the perspective we have on things and what we make of what happens to us in the wake of loss has a huge impact. I will never fully know what happened during those dark years to my sister. For me I struggled with addiction until I got sober at 31 yeras old. My perspective, is just my perspective. I do not know the full story I only know how it affected me to have this level of instability around me. And it made me feel that others will hurt you and they dont really care, that you can be basically abandoned at any time and people may not tell the truth. So my sense of reality can be tinged with this and my perspective ‘off’.
Today we finally connected with my Mum and sister. Mum was in a less defended place but it was hard to drop her off after lunch, knowing that after only a few days with my nephew he will be gone again and that we have minimal family here as most of them live up to two hours away by plane. Mum is aging and today it was hard for her to walk from the car park to the bakery where we had lunch. I was aware of all the loss she has seen, but as I discussed it with my nephew he was saying how in many ways this visit was a selfish one, he wanted his young daughter to finally ‘know’ her Dad’s Mum’s family.
I cried quietly as I sat beside Lyra (my grand niece) today watching her play with the sweet little butterfly trinket box my sister owned in the home. I gave it to her this morning so she would have something of her Grandma’s to call hers. I kept thinking of how sad it was that her own Gradma died without having this time with her grand daughter, fate can be cruel. Lyra now wants to call me Grandma. Am I suffering survivor’s guilt? In any case this much I know now. I cannot argue with the reality of the way things are or have turned out, accepting life on life’s terms means things are never as ideal as we would wish, death, illness, suffering and struggle come to us all, and some of us have more than others of the fair share of these things, and yet we need still to look for the blessings that remain. Those moments of fragile connection that come when our hearts touch for a time.
As we all stood together in a group before leaving my Mum’s place for lunch at the bakery today I felt the love that was there all along, underneath all the resistances and fears of last week. For a moment love was all I saw after years of struggle and pain, and I was so grateful for that fleeting moment. It was a moment in time when my heart could feel the basic goodness and innocence of life that beats below the surface, a moment when I could touch the love. For that moment I am and always will be very grateful.
Emerging From The Dark Night 