Eight strategies to help with toxic affects of self absorbed parents : part two

This is a continuation of my earlier post : https://wordpress.com/post/emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/47341

Pursue Altruism

Acts of altruism are gifts to others that are free from obligations, expectations, demands, reciprocity or any strings.  You give freely not because you are forced, shame or guilty, or for your own satisfaction.  You give because you want the other person to have whatever it is.  Gifts can be tangible or intangible.

The following benefits result from altruistic acts:  they boost health by protecting you from stress, promote a sense of well being, decrease problems with stress induced illnesses, and have a direct positive link to the immune system.

The saying about performing random acts of kindness suggests a way to be altruistic.  The random acts offer an unexpected gift of kindness without any strings, and that is altruistic. You may think of yourself as a kind person and you probably are but when you are kind only when you expect to reap some benefit or reward, that is not altruism.  In other words, you chooose where to bestow your kindness.  Altruism would be when you do kind acts for anyone, and you do not expect anything for yourself to result from what you do.

In order to understand altruism, let`s contrast it with acts and attitudes that may be good or helpful (or not), but are not altruistic.  Such acts and attitudes include the following :

• Expecting or demanding a thank you.
• Wanting or needing expressions of appreciation.
• Doing something to gain attention or admiration.
• Asking someone if he likes what you give him or what you did for him, demonstrating your need for approval.
• Reminding someone of what you did for him or what you gave him.
• Expecting something in retrurn for what you do or for what you give
• Using ifts of maniplate or form alliances
• Trying to by affection
• Bragging or boasting to others about what you did for or gave to them
• Becoming angry or upset when you feel your gift was not appreciated or not appreciated enough.

On the other hand altruistic acts could include the following :

• Volunteer work of all kinds
• Tutoring or mentoring a child.
• Visiting the elderly or people with limited mobility
• Teaching a craft or the like at a community center, day care, homeless shelter, or senior center
• Collecting books for homeless children
• Gving worlds of enouragement and support
• Expressing appreciation

Reaching Out To Others

Reaching out to others without becoming overwhelmed or enmeshed or fearing abandonment means you are making significant progress in building yourself.  (When we don’t feel good enough or that we have a real self to offer it is so often so much harder to reach out.)  Our relations and connections with others are significant support for our positive self perceptions and good physical and emotional health.  (Relationships are what give meaning and purpose to our lives.)

Difficult early relationships can leave us with a host of wounds and fears, they leave us wary of reaching out.  And we do have to learn from experiences with those who are hurtful, but being isolated will mean you suffer more.  When you can reach out and build new bonds things begin to feel brighter.

Brown points out that at first we have to use positive self talk to keep reaching out even if things don’t go so well, working to understand other`s responses without giving up.

Reaching out to others does not mean that you will never again experience wounding.  You may. But if you are building your self the same time, the wounding will be mild, and you wlll be more easily able to soothe, fix, or let go of it.  This is part of your overall goal to heal past wounds and to minimise the current and future wounding.

Opening Yourself to Beauty and Wonder

Beauty and wonder can enrich our souls, they bring an appreciation often for life gifts that come with no price tag.  Many of us who have been wounded often find solace in nature.  We may be uplifted by watching a beautiful sunrise, or soothed by a healing walk in nature.   The majesty of a night sky of stars may remind us of how special life is.  Everyone has a different idea of what is beautiful and what most appeals to their senses.  Brown suggests that you write a list so that you can remember what activities and things fill you up with wonder and joy.

What also helps is keeping a sense of mindfulness of what is beautiful.  In depression and PTSD such a focus on beauty and joy can be lost.  We can make it a practice to notice on the darker days, that which soothes and heals our spirit.

The world is full of beauty; we just have to be open to seeing it.  Wonder is also all around if you have a sense of humour, curiosity, and interest, and are open to learning new things.  When you look at something in a new way, it can seem diferent and you`ve learned something new about it.  Wonder is a characteristic of scholars, inventors or those who discover knowledge.

Brown`s final 3 strategies for overcoming a toxic legacy of self absorped parents will be dealt with in my next post.