Some of the following information is taken from Chapter 6 in Nina Brown’s book Children of the Self Absorbed, Eight Strategies to Stop the Hurting. I will list the eight stratgies in this post but only cover two of them in more detail here, the others will be covered in a later post. They explain things we can do to build a stronger and more resiliant self, when the most devestating legacy of a parental non availability is the erosion of this sense of self or the absence of a strong true authentic self with healthy boundariies being established.
The eight stratgies are :
- Giving up the fantasy that you can change or get what you need from these kinds of parents.
- Using self talk and positive affirmations.
- Performing altruistic acts
- Reaching out to others
- Finding beauty and wonder
- Changing the pace
- Bringing mindfulness into your life
- Elimination personal self absorbed behaviors and attitudes.
Letting Go of Fantasy
We all long for what we did not get from self absorbed or emotionally unavailable parents. We all long to be understood, shown empathy, to have our hurt feelings acknowledged or addressed, to recieve an apology or admission of the error of the parent`s ways. We all long for physical affection and demonstrations of love. We long not to be criticised or devalued. And if we cannot attain these things we may harbour feelings of revenge or resentment which, in the end, just end up rebounding back on us and can lead to physical problems as well as anxiety and depression.
According to Brown :
These fantasies result as reactions to your wounding and can have varying levels and intensities depending on the deepness of the wound to your self. The stronger reactions are usually found for the deepest hurt. You may want revenge, validation for your hurt feelings, and some signs your parent loves you Your feelings are powerful and can contribute to the hurt you carry because you are longing for something that will not happen, or is unlikely to happen…. Logically you know that your parent will not change but you keep hoping for that, feeling this is what you need to heal. The reality is something different, and you can heal without the parent having to change. A step to healing is to relinquish these fantasies or reduce them to so low an intensity that you can easily dismiss them when they emerge.
Awareness of your fantasies is the first step. But how do you stop having them? That`s not easy to do. You have to work through and resolve your feelings about the injury and the person to accomplish this completely. But one strategy that can help begin the process is for you to engage in some self talk in your thoughts every time you begin to be aware of the fantasies, wishes and desires about your parent or a particular event. For example, if you were wishing that your parent would see the error of his ways and change some self talk statements to help would include the following :
- It is unrealistic to expect that he (or she) will change, and wishing won`t make it happen.
- I cannot change another person.
- I will rise above this.
- I need to accept my parent as he is and not expect him to meet my expecations.
- Nothing has helped to this point, so why am I expecting it to work now?
- I don`t need to hurt my parent in order to feel better.
- I`ll love, accept, and approve of myself
- I`ve got more constructive and satisfying things to do than this.
Continue to work on giving up your fantasies, as this will not happen just because you think you have decided to give them up; they tend to persisit in your nonconscious and unconscious, lurking undetected. Try not to become impatient with yourself when you find that you still have some fantasies – they`re tough to get rid of. Just say to yourself that have more work to do, the hurt was deeper than you thought, and you will overcome at some point.
Self Statements and Affirmations
Your self absorbed parent is probably adept at triggering your insecurities, negative thoughts about yourself, feelings of inadequacy and so on. A contributer to the trigger can be what you say to yourself about you, or self statements. It doesnt help that what you are telling yourself is probably inaccurate, unrealistic, illogical, and negative. You can short circuit this process by realising when your thoughts and feelings are responses to negative self statements and substituting self affirmations. Some possible self affirmations to counter the usual self statements follow. You can also develop your own self affirmations.
Self-statement : My parent`s criticism of me is correct.
Self-affirmation: I have many strengths and talents.
Self statement: I should attend to other`s demands and expectations for me, even if I feel they are unrealistic.
Self affirmation: I can decide for myself what I should do, and don`t have to give in to others demands and expectations.
Self statement : I must always meet others` expectations, even when these are too high, unrealistic, or demanding.
Self affirmation : I do meet many expectations held by others, but I do not have to meet all of them.
Self statement: I`m searching for external validation of my worth.
Self affirmation: I can value and cherish myslf without requiring external validation.
Self statement: I`m supposed to control everthing.
Self affirmation: I am able to handle and resolve most events.
Self statement: It`s my duty to keep others from feeling distress.
Self affirmation: I can care about others without catching their feelings, and thereby be more effective.
Self statement: I should be perfect.
Self affirmation: Its human to make mistakes and I can learn from them.
Self statement: If I were better, I`d have better relationships
Self affirmation: I`m good enough and can form meaningful relationships.
Self statement: I`m supposed to take on others feelings and take care of them.
Self affirmation: My boundaries can be strong so that I can care for others without being enmeshed or overwhelmed. I can recognise the limits of my responsibility for others welfare.
Other resources that may help with reducing co-dependent behaviours learned when raised by self absorbed, narcissistic or emotionally unavailable parents is a brilliant book by Lisa A Roman Loving the Self Affirmations. This is a small book which covers similar issues to those raised by Nina Brown above and is useful in developing more realistic expectations for ourselves and better boundaries.
The next six strategies from Nina Brown`s book will be covered in two following posts, the first of which you can find here :
Emerging From The Dark Night 