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The cold hard reality

Suicidal thoughts.  If I took my life today no one would know for quite some days.  No one much calls so they would just think I was not answering if they did and that could take weeks.  My therapist would not know because she has no other contact information for any of my contacts, she would just think I decided not to come back, and therapists in most modalities don’t follow up in that situation.  Jasper would know but I would make sure he was not alone before I made that decision, and taken care of.

I am not posting this to say poor me.  Today I am just feeling very sad.  I watched some You Tube videos on narcissism and narcissists and empaths last night.  At times I can identify with traits of both.  I am more on the empathic side but I know there are times when my feelings do over power me and overtake rational thinking and logic.  (According to a You Tube video by the Little Shaman this tendency to be overpowered by feeling is part of narcissism).   I like to think this is a sign of creativity and sensitivity being deep feeling and sensitive, or is it?  But maybe it is not, maybe it is a sign of being ‘disordered.’  I know there is more to me than what I feel today.  There is a witness self that can watch the part of me that struggles.  I found the hurt with my therapist goes deep at the moment.  I feel in a very powerless position to get my needs met. I see I have made her one of my primary sources of contact.  I can live without her but it would be an emptier life, one day I will have to leave therapy.

As far as other friends, life gets busy.  You reach out, they dont always return calls.  You wonder what they are struggling with.  Today the thing that saves me is being able to write about how I feel.  Today its kind of sad, but I know that feeling will pass.  So will my thoughts of sometimes finding earth a barren loveless place, but then I look out at the trees and the grass and I see love. I try to breathe that into my heart and find the energy to face another day, closing the door on suicidal thoughts.

 

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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9 thoughts on “The cold hard reality”

  1. You are making me nervous. Not one of us is perfect, and those who can see these imperfections surely have some grace. Some go through life apparently without a conscience. You are not one of them. As my doctor keeps pointing out to me, don’t believe things you hear on the internet.

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    1. Thanks so much Lee. This clash with my therapist is sending me back into ‘bad needy’ me at least that is how she’s making me feel. I am out and about now and feel better. Ill stay safe. Love to you and thank you so much ❤

      And ps. she isnt ‘making me’ feel that but by blocking me several times when I have needed her its sent me back into that place.

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  2. ” If I took my life today no one would know for quite some days”. I’ve had this thought a few times. Life is a constant battle, and at the end of the day it’s only ourselves we have to face. We gotta take care of ourselves and fight for our place in life. It’s a lonely road, but think about all those other times you kept going, all the times you got back up and had another go. be proud and keep up the fight 🙂

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    1. Thanks that is so true, about getting back up and sometimes it seems to me that its also about widening our heart just a little more to accept truths that are so hard to face and hurt but to say, despite this loneliness and pain I will keep going. Love to you. Lets keep reaching out and sharing. That connection helps a lot. 🙂

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  3. You are such a lovely person, I can tell from your writing that your heart is so pure. Please don’t let any moments of sorrow bring you to despair. As much as it sucks, it is important to let yourself feel emotions and to to avoid becoming a result of them, which I can easily admit I am guilty of at times. Praying for you! Sending you life and blessings! You are so precious and God has you here for an specialized purpose!

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  4. I am concerned about you Deborah. I do understand how you feel.
    I like you a lot and I value you as a friend. I can’t do much from here except send a virtual hug but please get in touch if you need to OK?

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    1. Thank you so much Darren.. The suicidal feelings passed when I decided to get out and got a beautifully supportive comment earlier yesterday from a precious follower. I was going into a bad me headspace due to conflict with my therapist. But I very much appreciate your offer of support. Bless you 💕

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