How not to take it on, or?

Intense morning this morning.  Whenever my brother contacts me (which is rare) I know I am in for great triggers.   I know I have to tread carefully, as with an emotionally absent or silent Dad I never got to totally connect with and then with the huge load of mixed up feelings of anger, longing, confusion and loss kicking around inside me all of this angst can so easily land on the shoulders of my brother, who after all is just an ordinary human being with his own gifts, wounds, biases and flaws.

My brother visits our home town infrequently.  He keeps his distance from my mother, sister and I and then returns.   He manages to stay separate.  Each visit triggers pain for my Mum due to the fact his wife will have no  contact with her and so neither does his son.   When I speak to Mum I feel the pain of all of this.   I am also holding upset as while my sister was alive and living in a care home he had a lot of resoures to help her but never did, visiting her only so rarely.   I held all this inside for so long and today when he visited I let it rip.  He was stunned and at one point said he would leave as I may have been being abusive (which I do not think I was, but my voice was raised so he had a point, its not good to be yelled at…you can tell how I am foundering with this one.)  Was it really his responsiblity to help?  The issue also came up about how he failed to help my nephew at a critical time when he came to him seeking advice to move back to live closer to my sister, but according to him that was the best decision as my nephew was better off away from us, there were more opportunites and more money to be made where he was.  That may be true.   My sister died though in that last year after all this happened never seeing her son again.  She had to go into a coma and then be taken off life support to call her sons to her from their distance and absence.  Silent tears began to fall at this point in our exchange which was now less heated.

When I bought up the issue of how Mum was very sad around this time of year as its when Dad died he said to me “but that was years ago”.   “You have to move on”.  I dont think that is the point really, of course in time we accept a loss but does that mean the sadness is gone?   I looked him in the eye and asked if he ever deeply loved anyone?  He could not answer that question.

I will credit him with sitting there and listening.  He didnt move away.   I started to cry through it all and felt this sadness for him.   I felt some one trapped down deep inside but at the same time I must say at certain points during this exchange I was seeing myself as the crazy immature one, out of control with emotions of loss I am still processing.  After all I am doing the feeling for my Mum and trying to get something addressed that happened years ago.  Does this mean it is my lack of acceptance I am struggling with as well as psychological enmeshment issues.  Am I asking or was I expecting something of my brother that was not fair?  When he is just one small human person?  Doesnt he in fact have far better and healthier boundaries than I who is so often so deep feeling and deep sensing I take on board far too much that isnt mine.   How do I not?  I am not sure.  Would it have been better not to see my brother at all, or to open all these wounds and try to achieve some authentic intimacy?

I then had the thought that perhaps I needed to get myself to some Al Anon meetings.  Talking too loud or accusatively at my brother was a boundary invasion and may come from blaming because I am failing to contain my own feelings.  Also I was probably at that point hijacked by my toddler brain, as suddenly I felt about 3 years old and deeply ashamed.  I know this all comes out of attachment wounds and needs for closeness that are problematic from ages back.  I can’t heal it (not in my family at least), I didnt cause it and attacking or accusing someone else is no way out.   The world doesnt move to my design of compassion and support.  Why should it?

I cant speak to my therapist today, she is at a conference.  I have tried to call some other members of my family to debrief, everyone was either busy or not returning calls which is a sign to me I need to get into a calmer space and pray for guidance to hold the intensity of the charge of what happened this morning.   Its a rainy day here.   I am just using this post to download and take the place of a chat so all of this does not go around and around and around in my head.   I dont know if any of this resonates with other readers but I am always open to feedback.

Maybe my brother was right about his ‘move along’ comments.  But where in the exchange was their any feeling expressed by him at all, and why was I the one doing all the crying.  At one point, honestly with some issues he opened up to me, I felt this deep sadness in him, I realised something Marianne Williamson says a lot that really we are innocent and so is our brother, that made me feel even softer and I wanted to reach out and hug him but I didn’t.   I know my brother is not a bad person we are all a mix.  I just come out of our meetings in a very strange space.  One I need at the moment to open up and share about.  If you have stuck with me this far.  Thanks.

(Post script.  I am rather embarrased at this post. Embarassed at my immaturity in posting it, embarrased for blaming my brother for something he didnt cause and yet my sister struggled so hard to live up to him and be noticed.  I wish she could have stayed away and found life outside of our family I really do.  I feel coming back killed her.  I also have to make a life outside of all of this.  My anger is about my own need to separate projected, there is such a strong need for unification in me but perhaps what breaks is meant to and is not meant to be put back together.  Do we cry for the rest of our lives over the broken pieces.  Do we, in time choose to make a new mosiac out of them? Or just throw them away and make something new?  I guess the end the choice is up to us.  But what are the consequences?    All that said another voice sings deep inside : Today live in the present.  Its the most precious gift.  Past is past.  Isnt it?)