Anyone who has followed my blog by now will read between the lines and see how I struggle with what I really feel and make attempts to reframe it into a ‘nicer’ or more positive light at times. I don’t know if it’s because I am an Aquarian so try always to look at the bigger picture. I understand we humans are ultimately flawed which is why I trust my dog more than some humans at times, (or have in the past) :). And rightly so!
Anyway its a relief now to be able to validate other people’s genuine feelings and know that a lot of them are most natural ways to feel. We cannot always put a positive slant on things that hurt us. In time we may learn to let it go, but its a sign of a better inner relationship with ourselves when we can just let ourselves have our feelings without getting too attached, but that said at times that is just the way it goes with big feelings we struggle with, they can be enormous and overpowering and scary all at one time and we DO get attached, it’s just human nature. Our responses may not be rational as feelings are not. And there is nothing more upsetting than someone slamming you with rationality when you are not in that place and having an intense feeling which needs validation in order that you can unpack it and find the place it has played in your life and its complex as resentment and anger often can hide far deeper feelings of powerlessness, need and grief that we tend to have difficulty facing and feeling.
I am thinking about all of this while in the midst of reading a book on age regression and the toddler brain at present. I have been a bit reluctant to post some of it to be honest. I get where the author is coming from, when we lash out in anger or resentment from a totally irrational place which may relate to huge upset or trauma maybe it is our ego that is getting in the way. We didn’t get what we wanted and needed from that person or experience (most particularly parents in childhood) and it bites large. Growing up, facing our wounds and defences and reactions and becoming an adult psychologically is a process of learning to feel those feelings and then move through them or let them go without using them to blow everything or everyone out of the water.
That said its a learning curve and we are on it, especially if as children we struggled to know and express our feeling reality or suffered emotional betrayal, neglect, abandonment or abuse. At the age of 55 I am still moving through this process myself and at times it is so confusing. My followers have witnessed my own struggles and conflicts and contradictions here most especially with my family.
When our longings and needs to be connected and loved are thwarted it can and does leave us in a very difficult place. We have this childhood hunger and need whose roots are hidden from us but become triggered with each new attempt to connect. We may carry a deep anxiety or fear which manifests in both avoidant as well as anxious/insecure attachment. A defensive strategy may be to seek distance or to lash out when we are frustrated or hurting. We may lack words, skills and resources. If later we are sujected to distorting abuse that involves cognitive dissonance (the warping of our reality) the truth we are trying to bring out of repression may be thwarted, distorted or pushed back inside again. Did we really feel what we felt when that happened and we were told it didn’t or we didnt feel that way? Its bloody hard and painful and we need good support to get to grips with our real feelings, reactions, responses and triggers especially if we felt unsafe or were hurt in the past.
Anyway this really could and perhaps should be a longer post but for now I want to take a break. I am happy to be able lately to trust and validate my own feelings more. This morning my inner critic was on my case again and I stopped going into that downward spiral through using self compassion and self soothing. These are all skills I am learning. Learning to take my own feelings and respond to them in a helpful way is lifelong work for me. My progress is slow but day by day I believe I am making it. As are so many others out there.
Emerging From The Dark Night 