Separation anxiety

Talk in therapy turned towards separation anxiety yesterday, its a terrifying anxiety that I began to address in some posts a while back when I shared some of what psychotherapist James Masterson has written on the subject and what he called the six horsemen of the psychic apocalypse of separation that we suffer on the path of recovery where we try to heal from the sacrifice of the true self we had to make to win an unavailable or non mirroring parent’s attention and love.

I did not fully grasp all that Kat, my therapist was trying to explain to me yesterday but what she did say was that she feels my inner critic, (who we both call Mr A) formed due to my Mum’s lack of emotional presence.  In order to win love and attention I tried my best to keep myself and the house clean, to run around behind my Mum when she came home from work at 6 pm in order to be connected and seen.  I never really got seen as I was but the important insight from yesterday was the terrible dilemma child goes through when he or she cannot connect with the mother.  Such connection all throughout our mammalian past has been essential for survival, we can also not develop a healthy functioning ego or healthy sense of self and boundaries without it.   From what Kat explained to me a child can end up making its self ‘bad’ rather that seen the parental failures for what they were and my critic is constantly trying to point out both how ‘bad’ I am, how much I fail to live up to those high standards of my Mum (which incidentally now she tries to get me to stop battling with, since she has mellowed in old age).    I also often feel that all the ‘good’ is out there in other people.   I think in childhood I was kind of erased my own copetentency was not encouraged, I was left alone a lot, and when I tried to do things to make up for feeling gawky in late adolsescence (since I was subjected to criticism and bullying by boys) surreptitiously I was punished.

Anyway I had a very sad reaction just a moment ago to calling my Mum after being so worried about her yesterday only to find she was feeling much better and had received a kind gesture of support from a friend.  That wasnt what made me cry though during the conversation, my sadness was for the lost child in me who learned so early to revolve around everyone else.   Today my worry over my Mum has cost me a lot of hours.  Its now nearly 12 and I havent made it out for a walk with Jasper (yet) and am still in my PJs after writing for over three hours.  That last scentence shows Mr A is still on my case.  The walk is still possible soon.  Today my sim card for the new phone which I have had to wait for for over two weeks finally arrived and my new phone should be connected soon.  I think of how much progress I have made from the totally collapsed inner child state I have lived inside for over 10 years or more in recovery and realise I am making progress.  Being enmeshed with a parent takes a lot of emotional work and therapy to address.  I need to bear this in mind before I beat myself up again today.

There must be many more layers and more complexity to what Kat tried to explain to me yesterday.  I was grateful to a fellow blogger sharing an article on how seeking love from an emotionally unavailable mother can keep us bonded in ways that are destructive to our true self.   My Mum is more available now that she was emotionally but not fully and I need to bear in mind in childhood I didnt have that secure base or reflection to turn towards and that has left an impact I am now trying to address.  It wont heal over night and I still have a way to go but I am on the road of awareness, step by step.  I just need to keep moving forward and not beat myself up too much for where I am.