I’ve been thinking about narcissism and narcissistic abuse a bit over the past 24 hours as well as the struggle we have to be seen by a narcissist. If you have ever gone to someone (and I’m not a great fan of labels) who is narcissistic and has hurt you and tried to say that they hurt you, what can often happen is they act offended that you dared to bring the issue up. You may be told you are hurting them by doing so, or that they had it harder. You will probably feel shocked, as if you have been slapped in the face but the person hasn’t made a move forward to hit you, but the pain you feel, stuns you and you find yourself reeling.
I have been wondering if, that person in shutting out their own pain shuts you out or whether their focus on themselves and their own pain eclipses all else. If you were seeking validation from this process you won’t get it and you will most probably come away questioning yourself. I cannot tell you how stunned and grateful I am when I go to my therapist with something that hurts and she just ‘knows’ or will validate that what occurred was a hurtful thing. She isn’t doing this to be ‘nice’ its just that she is connected to a reality the narcissist would rather deny. In the case of encounters with both my Mum and my sister who at times can be intensely inwardly focused I have been hurt a lot in the past. Last week I was validated by them when I was on the receiving end of such a slap and it was a shock to me, but as I think about I know my own sister and Mum have both been invalidated in similar ways,
Jonice Webb in her book on childhood emotional neglect addresses how important it is for those of us who never got emotional connection in childhood to understand and make sense of our own feelings need to find those people in adulthood with whom we can. She also says if we have emotionally neglected turning towards those who have also been neglected in this way is not a good idea. And this would explain why narcissists can’t respond, that and the truth that they deny and project their own vulnerable self and cant stand being reminded of it by anyone else.
In my last relationship, I was not able to express too much vulnerability. In fact when my ex first met me he didn’t want to pursue the relationship as he told me I was ‘too vulnerable’. When I told a therapist this a few years later she said to me “but Deborah, being vulnerable is all part of being in a relationship”. I now know that relationship failed due to both our wounds. I cannot totally blame my ex but he was not capable of responding with empathy to painful things I went through because my vulnerability was something he didn’t want to accept due to defences he had against his own. He could be very cruel at times and then on some level knew and felt bad but could never apologise. In the end I had to take my vulnerable self to therapy and of course I share about it here.
I wrote this post today because it occurred to me that its only those who are open to their own feelings that wont shut us out for feeling ours. If we get sidelined by someone who won’t hear us, we should not give up, we should keep looking. I listened to a video on toxic people yesterday that appeared on another blog and what was said, was that in a good relationship you will be loved, accepted and not criticised all the time. In my own case in that past relationship in response to his criticism I would try to change and that si when I really began to lose myself. I wrote a post yesterday I haven’t posted yet by a guy called Matt Haig who has written a book on surviving suicide and depression and in one chapter he spoke about how he would collapse around other people in a need to belong. We write our own death warrant when we do this emotionally. Knowing our vulnerabilities, understanding them and working to turn them into strengths if we can or accept when we cannot is all part of our growth. We also have to learn as we mature that not everyone will hear us or receive us and often that isn’t our fault they may just not be able to be that open or capable of introspection or feeling. We may not like it but we can survive it, if we can find support from within and from those who are open and do understand.
Emerging From The Dark Night 