I had a lot of love

I had a lot of love I wanted to give you I didnt understand why There was so little time I could not as a child understand the powerful impact of both your pasts I see how hard you struggled to give us a safe place A place where we would have solid ground under our feet  I see now the love in that Dad you lost your own father That must have been so hard You left your own homeland at the tender age of 18 That was the same age I was When Judy’s brain bled You sat by her bedside while she was in a coma The doctors said She cannot hear you You told her every day You will come through You showed her a sapphire ring You watched her so cruelly abandoned in the land of our ancestors Just as our great great grandfather was abandoned It was only ever unconscious ancestral themes repeating And I was the witness I saw the curse I lived in fear I aborted my own unborn children I struggled to live connect and love It is with eyes of such sadness I now count the cost of it all While realising how lucky I am to have survived I have a lot of love to give I loved you Dad I couldnt often feel your love The flow was blocked By silence By all you never said But on that day I crossed the room to hold you It was me you turned to To hold you in your pain Oh Dad I loved you but it was so hard to keep the flow of love open amidst such fear  I have a lot of love to give