Denial

They say its not a river in Egypt, but a flow of ignorance, pretending or omission that carries us along in a flood to oceans of sorrows and loss which we, in failing to recognise, often allow to seal our doom.

I am having a kind of awakening into past trauma today which is sad but welcome. I am seeing my own level of denial. How, in the absence of truth, openness, embodiment and love I blamed myself for deficits of others that I could not fully allow myself to know.  I then turned against the child in me who knew truths and allowed old voices of doubt to whisper in my ears and undo the movement for forward motion and self assertion that could have carried me to freedom.  And so I lost years.  Years that will never come again.

And yet, it really could not have been another way.  I am a very human, human and at times  I have made poor bargains.  I allowed a part of me to lie to the other part.  I was also subject to killer voices that wanted like Herod to put to death the little spiritual Christ child growing inside me.  I saw yesterday the two parts of myself at war.  The critical, controlled, anti life, judging part was once again shaming my inner child.  But I was aware that my real mother was also subject in childhood to so many forces she was powerless over and things got set in place that energetically affected us all.  In being able to talk it over with a very dear friend today I saw so much. I am so grateful to her.  I want to really love that messy self inside as it contains so much of my own joy and creativity as well as the juicy primal instinctual energy I had to repress in childhood.  By God I am sick of trying so hard ‘to do the right thing’ which so often ends up being the wrong thing for me.

There is so much I cannot articulate in this blog, so you will have to read between the lines. Those who follow me will surely have seen my struggle and how at times I move in and out of denial.   I don’t know how clearly articulated this is but the word ‘awakening’ comes to mind with Mercury smack bang on my natal Uranus in the first.  I am seeing what a creative person I am with a very far ranging mind,  I could never have fitted in or been shackled to formal institutions in my life as I often found them so constrictive and restricting and living in a straight jacket with both hands that lead to the heart and lungs tied is no life.  I want out of the box.

Did I mention yet how much looser I feel?   I am finally finding friends who I can be with fully and am able to speak my own mind and not be shut down.  I was shut down so much by others at times who then tried to tell me there was something wrong with me for trying to be fully embodied and feel the way I did.  In the absence of affirmation and validation I not only turned against myself but became also a mystery to myself.  So sad!  But its not the final chapter by any way or means.  Maybe when the river of denial washes us up on the foreign shore we get a clearer sight of new unchartered land.