Its been some days since I wrote a post. My internet went down over the weekend and I took a break which was good and bad. I had a lot of pain come up from the past, those deep feelings of my inner child that I had to bury for years in the absence of anyone to connect to, I had a difficult reaction to being left out, yet again by my family after a time I thought my Mum and I were growing close. I tried to express it to her today and she ended up getting defensive and crying and then I felt guilty for being selfish, but I wasn’t really being selfish but I was expressing a need from my inner child that I think she needed adult me to cope with. I at least tried and I learned something.
When I finally surrendered on Sunday and let myself feel my child’s hunger for a loving emotionally available Mum, I seemed to tap even deeper to the pain of my maternal great, great grandfather whose own Mum died when he was a teenager. He ended up leaving Cornwall in the UK in 1874 and one of his baby daughters died after the 4 month sea crossing. She bore the name of my maternal great grand mother who was the third baby Eliza Jane as a second baby bearing that name also died in infancy a few years after they arrived in New Zealand.
I do believe this pain of lost mother, mother hunger goes deep. On Sunday Mercury did its backward turn on Pluto in my first house. My Pluto connects to my Mars Moon Saturn which is a pain of emotional restriction or loss that runs deep, deeper than I could ever know. That is when I faced the pain of longing for mother and exclusion and then I felt Thomas my GG Grandfather crying so deep in my cells. I connected the hunger and the pain in some way and today after getting off the phone to Mum and feeling ashamed as she was so sad she felt she had let me down and felt pulled on by my other sister’s demand for connection I felt a strong spiralling along my left arm an into my spine. I felt I may not stand up. But I got myself to the shopping centre with my modem to get it repaired and now I am in the library typing this. I found a creative solution out of the morass of helpless emotional pain that has constantly dogged me like a spectral shadow of lead.
I will trust Mercury to show me things as he does his backward journey and crosses from Pluto in the first house back to Uranus in Leo. I know that Uranus rules separations and cataclysms that see ancestors immigrate or others leave, it is also the urge for freedom from the hidden weight of psychological pain that constricts the soul, that comes when deep longing is thwarted but may keep on repeating separations across generations until one person who bears its impact goes on that inward journey. This blog may make so sense to anyone but me but I know there is something far deeper going on than things that just impinge upon my ego lately. The wound of separation in my family that saw multiples losses, death, trauma and loss was awakened in 1979 – 1985 when my father finally died on the back of strong Pluto transits through Scorpio. Mars in Leo is now squaring that place and soon it will leave my 12th house and cross the ascendant. I trust the inner lion’s cry to tell me things that slumbered over at least 150 years and are now awakening me. I need to find a way to be connected without having to be physically connected always, maybe life is demanding something else. I have no answers only more and more questions and a wide open mind and adult me is saying I need to release unrealistic demands on a mother who bore her own wounds and did the best she could, while not denying I am lonely for a deeper intimate connections with others than she seems capable of giving me. Maybe its time to look somewhere else, while learning to sustain myself emotionally from within.
Emerging From The Dark Night 