I know

I know I have to go forward in love.  I am spending most of the day with my denture ‘out’.  It is painful to have it in place and I start to feel very confined and its making my teeth ache as they used to ache when I had to wear that bridle contraption in my teens at night while undergoing orthodontic treatment.  But I also have to be aware that due to the extraction I will be in pain for a few days and that pain will be trauma trigger for me, so I have to be kind and gentle with myself over the next few days.

I know that I am without a doubt someone who is born to be a free spirit.  I don’t cope well with being shackled or confined or held in too tightly.  I need to burst forth and express, often from a stream of love that I feel. And it occurs to me that if I have been angry or raged in the past those feelings, too, have come not out of hate but out of love, out of the longing for connection and love in world in which at times people can push us away and become so disconnected and deny love.   But the truth is we cannot force love from those who do not know how to, or don’t want to give it to us.  So if we are wounded or healing we do need to surround ourselves with those people who can love us and allow us to be who we are and express and release what we feel from deep within the spring flow of our inner spirit.  If we love ourselves enough we can set those boundaries.

I am also now past caring what people think of me if they see me without teeth.  I don’t really care anymore about appearances as I know that true love and beauty come from deep within, as clichéd as that may sound to sceptics out there. I know I have a spirit of beauty and compassion deep inside me. I know I don’t do well around negative or dishonest people and I don’t view the expression of painful realities as negative at all.  Its just being honest in a society that so often encourages us to numb or shut down.

Anyway writing is how I connect and today I have been spending most of the day at home following my dental surgery, so a few blogs have poured out of me.  I have been able to cry with the pain of a young girl who started out with all her teeth and through a set of painful circumstances lost them over years.  Its a reminder of how I have so often bit down on and swallowed or denied or buried my own frustration and tried to fit into places I wish at the time I had been strong enough to leave behind.  But saying that I know my own emotional abandonment left me disconnected, and vulnerable and begging for scraps.  Now that I am beginning to find a deeper source of love inside I no longer need to reach for those from outside.  I want to be filled from within and be force of love and to me that starts with naked honesty, vulnerability and being true to my essence despite what others may think or not think of me.