This is just a stream of consciousness piece I wrote a few weeks back when I was contemplating the overwhelming power of fear/trauma imprints and how little those who live it really understand. I hope it resonates for you.
Fear it dogs us in so many different forms. It masquerades under many other names such as anxiety of which it forms a certain portion. Some acronymns I have heard also come to mind while writing this Fuck Everything And Run, False Evidence Appearing Real which immediately causes me to question?????? trigger warning, hyper alert, sirens wailing. Call the Ambulance : at one time some thing so intensely REAL happened that it made fear course through your system in every cell turning you into a chemical explosion on legs. Today confronted with something new you are being reminded and so you want to run while you are not consciously capable of making the deeper connection between past event and present time. The present has been over flooded by a wave that is past trauma rearing its head like a hungry ghost baying with terror from the deep unconscious but you don’t hear it scream while at the same time the screaming energy imprint floods every tissue overtaking you entirely body, mind and soul drowning everything else out until all of the goodness, all of the love, all sense of safety and trust is lost, eclipsed. You become a pulsing aching sore that is bleeding and there is no way to stem it. No one seems to understand how it might be to live that either. And so you feel more and more alone.
But what if someone came who saw what was happening to you from the inside out. What if someone who knew just said to you, ‘darling, this is trauma. I am here’, what if the reality held deep inside your cells was validated. What if you could then face it hold it, see the Gorgon’s head and no longer be paralysed with dread because someone said “I will stay with you, I don’t believe you are crazy or mad, I see that you have suffered”.
Would you then live to see the winged horse of Pegasus fly free from Medusa’s head, your art, your suffering, your pain, your torment validated given form and allowed to fly free. What might happen then?
Emerging From The Dark Night 