Masterchef Australia is currently on tele here in Oz and the refrain push, push, push is heard nearly every night but its a reminder to me that sometimes I just need to rest, rest, rest because I can push and push and push to have to get things done and sometimes its coming out of anxiety or critical energy.
Earlier I wrote a post that touched on positive self will, I guess this is action which is line with Self that tries work in a balanced way to both project us into the world, but at the same time tell us when to rest, go easy, or take it slow. In childhood I never got to experience relaxed happy times with my parents. It was a very duty bound home full of responsibilities and in some ways this can be good but not when it interferes with my ability to relax, let go and have some fun!
After getting into a rage last week about being stuffed around by the dentist and that arking up all my head trauma, I then got reminded of how it felt to be around family energy. Just this morning my brother called from America. He is go, go in the garden nearly put his back out by digging in the front yard. “Just be sure to take care of yourself”, I said. Then when I had to share about my dental trauma there was absolutely zilch emotional reaction or connection just a dull heavy emptiness and as so often happens after I got of the phone to him I found myself in tears. My family are JUST SO SHUT DOWN.
Later my sister called to say that in training this morning her personal trainers dog jumped on her and soiled her nice clean leggings, I just wanted to say ‘get lost’ she said. I considered this with a calm irony. I just said “Wow I can almost sense Mum’s flared nostrils from here!” I remember how my dead sister would never let my mother remove old flowers from her room and how she loved the story where Mum visited a family friend’s farm and got upset due to ending up with chicken shit on her shoe…this delighted my sister.
I have empathy for my Mum though, to be left that alone when you are young and then to feel the only way you can find value or worth is by taking control, keeping everything perfect and looking good is very sad on some level when it costs a heavy price in being able to just let loose, laugh at chaos and have some fun. I get anxious just thinking about the chicken shit, to be honest but I think that is a conditioned reaction.
I allow my own dog to jump up when he wants too. People at the dog park don’t mind, I know some would consider it not a good sign, a sign of ‘bad manners’ or inadequate training. I see it as a sign of how affectionate he is and how much he loves people, and having him has re-connected me with that part of myself which so long ago went into hiding in a home where we were conditioned to think more about how we looked on the outside, than about how we felt on the inside and must keep genuine needs and interest locked behind a wall of fear or shyness.
Today, once again I am not going to push, push, push. I just had a moment where I realised I was pushing and then felt really, really sad and an inner voice just said to me “how bad could it be if you just relaxed for a while?” So for the first time in over 2 years I sitting in my faded floral chair in my small dining room and writing this. It feels GREAT!
I know I can overcome my childhood conditioning. Day by day I am learning more about it. A constant theme in therapy is about how the inner critic pushes and savages me and I am learning to let go. I had a positive dream last night in which I was being expected to make a meal at an event where there was already a lot of food, I decided in the end not to make anything even though I felt guilty. I see that as a good sign. The other positive dream image was that I had met a lovely man and he got undressed to get into bed, I was about take off my jeans and then I felt I wasn’t ready. I got into bed next to him and said. “I’d like to take my time to get to know you before we sleep together.” He was fine with it. I am nearly crying as I write that because sadly due to low self esteem and lots of emotional intimacy hunger in my teenage and younger and even older adult life I have jumped into bed with partners far too soon, and in the last relationship warning signs were there at the start that he had narcissistic issues and I overrode my own instincts when he asked me to have sex as I was so lonely. This dream seems to auger really well for boundary issues. Maybe my ‘no’ and self esteem muscles will get stronger in time. Maybe I no longer have that same hunger due to my inner work and can now be a lover to myself, first, maybe I am learning to practice self care. The dream sure seems to be saying just that. Thank you God.
Emerging From The Dark Night 