Alice falling

During my lost years

I was like Alice falling

Through a tunnel that opened up

In the ground of myself

Trying to find potions

To reduce or increase me to a size

That would fit the reflections

I learned or was conditioned to believe I should fit

No where in those years

Was I at home inside my skin

Nowhere in those years

Was I truly present

So now, if on many days my heart aches

And my body hurts

With deeper recognitions

Of all the tortured ways I tried to fit

Or dumb myself down

I am beginning to believe that I should feel grateful

And that this hurting may just be one necessary stage

Of a far longer journey

Maybe now

I can accept

That I am slowly

Knitting myself back inside a body

Which both bleeds and floods

Shutting out nothing

Maybe if I can learn to ride the tide

Of hidden emotion and expression

That scared me

To oceans I could not realise before

That wish to flow forward

And no longer be dammed

On some days I am still Alice

A soul awakening and feeling herself

Several miles off from authentic centre

Seeing and feeling my life to be a mystery

A deeper puzzle I will never solve

But then on others I find the way back

And come home to a place

Where I can feel my broken wounded heart

Slowly mending

And I will know

That my heart has been made larger

From all it has endured

After its plummet

Down the rabbit hole

To wonder land