Heavy solitude

There are days when solitude is a heady wine

that intoxicates you with freedom,

others when it is a bitter tonic,

and still others when it is a poison

that makes you beat your head against the wall.

Colette

The past few days have been days in which solitude hasn’t felt so great but still it is the most familiar place I know, at times I feel it is the entirety of me and then I have a day like yesterday that was so wet and heavy and with a flat car battery I had to take onto the open road in torrential rain to charge up at the advice of roadside assist with just Jaser and I  and it got scary and I just felt so far away from any human connection.  I was praying for the entire 40 minutes for which we were travelling along the highway further and further from home at a higher speed than I am used to driving.   By the time I got home there was a heavy weight on my chest and I had a panic attack so severe I felt I was dying and could not breathe and could only call a friend at which point the pressure just turned into deep, deep despair and tears and more tears.

This friend is also undergoing a really painful time and when he shared about his own difficult feelings it was very, very hard, however I could breathe again and got the energy to make dinner and somehow got through the rest of the night.   But today felt lonely and a little empty again.   I seem to be spending so much time alone and I don’t seen to have the refuge anymore of psychological defences and dissociation telling me its fine and my natural state but the truth is, just as Colette says above sometimes solitude is like a balm for me, and on other days it is like a prison.

I am sure this heavy feeling will pass. I know its a very heavy astrological time with the Venus square to Saturn now nearly exact and that is often associated with feeling there is a glass pane between you and the rest of the world through which you cannot feel or express love at all and Saturn can plague us anyway with thoughts of doom or emptiness and meaninglessness and I know this as I have Saturn conjunct (on top of) both my Moon which represents emotions and Mars which relates to vital energy expression.  Heavy, heavy, heavy, it can feel like I am almost being crushed deep inside by a heavy wall of water.

I can’t put any kind of positive slant on things today.  Life just feels alone and heavy and winter is on the way.  But I am also aware that when its like this I need to do all I can to cosy up and find some kind of nurturance, whether its through food, music, or poetry or reading blogs of others who are going through something the same, which hard as it is for all of us is, sadly some form of comfort.

So for today not much more I can say.  I hope the heaviness passes soon.