I went along to see the townhouse with my Mum today. My Mum functions on a very practical level. For the astro minded she has Venus, planet of values in the practical sign of Virgo. My Venus is in Aquarius so I am attracted to the quirky and different, I have a connection between Neptune and Venus too that is very strong in the sign of Scorpio which is about intense depths. My Mum was evaluating the place with this kind of eye and it is very different to my old fashioned weather board place.
After a long browse around we spoke to the real estate agent and his wife who is a very sweet lady. I was saying how the very prospect of selling and buying is tapping into very deep emotions for me. My mother had said to me not to get emotional. The wife of the estate agent said a few words to me that really hit home and made me feel totally understood “Its okay to get attached to things”. W.O.W!!!!!
This hit home so very hard. For a long time in early recovery I was drawn to philosophies which told me I needed to learn to detach. Then I found a book that made so much sense of addiction to me. It was called Addiction as Attachment Disorder. It reminded me that addicts are likely to have endured broken or non existent emotional attachments. They may have gone through so much pain when abandonments happened that may not have been personal that they learned to swallow down the pain and sadness. Also if they found themselves cast out into the universe alone they may have looked to substances or processes to attach to and feel some kind of connection. However if we choose ingestion addictions we are getting a bit numbed on some level to what is really going on or reaching to substitutes for the soothing and good vibes that attachments of the positive kind would bring to us. We begin too to unconsciously fear the loss that being attached can open to us. We may use anger to push people away when fears are triggered. We may hide our longings away but they don’t truly go away.
After I dropped my Mum back home I went to the fruit and veggie markets to get my shopping and some ideas for poems came to me. One was the idea of there being oceans of feelings buried below the depths of things for those of us wounded in emotional ways. The second idea was the thought “don’t let my anger blind you to the longing I have inside to be loved” I was thinking about one of my favourite books that came to me when my husband and I were separating. Loosely based on A Course in Miracles it speaks of how fear and anger are always calls for love. When and if we can answer the fear or anger in others or in ourselves with love, compassion, empathy and understanding of what is going on underneath the fear and anger we are a long way forward in healing our wounded places or at least not acting them out so unconsciously.
Today I was reacted to in two different ways by two very different people. I was so grateful that the agent selling the townhouse is such a kind man and that his wife was so in touch on an emotional level. I was able to share my fears and emotions around auctions and the estate agent offered his support. I know I am strong enough in my boundaries now to open to that support. Next week I will set my limit and not go beyond it as I was encouraged to do on this place.
I am also realising that I am very attached to the home I currently live in. I would love if there was support to help me do it up in the way it needs to be kept in good nick. I am aware of the sadness I may feel in letting it go. But I also feel I could form a new attachment with the new place and that I need to face any fear and sadness that will be very much part of the process of moving on to something new that will be less stressful for me.
All in all things are looking up and I feel okay about everything. I am so glad once again that someone could relate to me in that place of emotion and help me to know that how I was feeling was totally natural. What a gift!
Emerging From The Dark Night 